FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:
OUR CLIENTS ARE CONCERNED ABOUT UNDERMINING RELIGION. YOUR LIES ARE AN IMPORTANT PART OF INCREASING THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE DEPENDENT ON UPON OUR CLIENTS.
Dr. Vermon Floater: The smarter field beasts want to keep their money, rather than see a mere 15% of it taken from them and mostly wasted on Social Security, so we’ve got a lot of work to do. But, before we get started, I’d like to introduce all of you to our newest member, Dr. Dick Dudewell. As I’m sure you know, Dick is from Texas. Even more importantly, he is on all the Lie Committees.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’m shor’ honored to be here tellin’ polytickle lies. Ah’ve been servin’ on the other committees, and Ah wanchay’all ter know that all of us are in awe, yessuh, acshual awe, about the fine lies y’all have been tellin’.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Dick, can you tell the other members a little bit about yourself? How you started lying, for instance.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah shor’ can. Ah started lyin’ perfesshunally when Ah got on our School Board. Ah pretended to be consurvative, ‘n got other board members to vote for lower taxes.”
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: Excuse me for interrupting, but that’s awful!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah know, Ah know, but y’all didn’ let me finish, Miss Em’ly. After we got lower taxes, the Superi’tendent comes up ‘n says, “Mr. Dudewell, iffin Ah don’ get a tax increase, Ah can’t hire my brothers-in-law, and they’ll keep livin’ at mah house. Iffin you vote for a tax increase, I’ll hire any of your relatives that you want.”
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: Oh, I understand. So, what happened, then?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Well, there warn’t much goin’ on in my hometown, Sludgewater Falls, out in West Texas. The EPA ‘n OSHA did was closed down all the manufacturin’. Made ’em shut down all the oil wells. Closed down the mines. Cut farmin’ way back.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: Sounds like they did a fine job!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Shore did. Only thing lef’ was Sludgewater Falls State. It went from a teecher’s collitch to Sludgewater Falls State University. It had ter hire a new, Affirm’tive Action President who didn’t speak English. He traded me an honorary Sludgewater Falls doctorate and a tenured po-sition fer gettin’ six of his Guatemalian relatives tenured teachin’ positions in the school district. Ah been hap’ly lyin’ mah way all the way up ter the Lie Committees ever since.
Dr. Putin Chainz: We’re glad to have you with us, Dick. You can do far more here than you ever could in Sludgewater Falls. You see our problem. The smarter fools are wanting to keep what they still think of as their own money.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: Where do they get the idea that they can spend their money better than we can? They just can’t get it through their thick heads that we know what’s best for them. We know it. Why don’t they?
Dr. Vermon Floater: At some level, they may know it and resent the fact that they are lower beings. They are said to think they have feelings. Maybe they resent being second class citizens.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Let’s not talk about their ‘feelin’s’. Hard to treat ’em they way we should when we think of ’em as havin’ ‘feelin’s’. But, we have ter see what they think they feel. Or, feel they think. Who knows what goes on in minds like that? Bottom line, they jes’ want more. Ah thank we’ve got ter make ’em feel guilty iffin they don’t give more money to the government to help the poor old pipple what’s done so much fer ’em.
Dr. Putin Chainz: I agree, Dick. But, they must know that we hate poor people as much as we hate the rest of them. Sometimes, I’d just like to get rid of all the smelly creatures.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Putin, what are you saying? The more poor people, the better for us! Making people poor gives welfare departments something to pretend to care about. Poor people fill our jails. We kill their babies. We pretend to educate their children. Poor people provide most of our jobs. We need to make more poor people, Putin. We can’t kill the goose that lays the golden eggs.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Of course you’re right. It was more the working poor and the middle class I was thinking about. They’re the ones who still think they have rights. They’re the ones who think their precious God means something. If we can’t drive them into poverty, we’ve got to replace them with immigrants whose votes can be bought with a few food stamps.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: Putin is right. The best way to get rid of the Social Security privatization issue is to drive lower and middle-class white people into abject poverty. Make them understand that funding from us is all that anyone should have. That’s the best way.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah don’ know. Some of our most loyal supporters are lower middle whites lookin’ fer gummit jobs.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Dick, our children need those jobs. We don’t want our children to be private-sector field beasts whining about ‘rights’. We need every single government job, especially in administrative positions, for our dependents. Why, I’m supporting three or four relatives who can’t find administrative jobs in any bureaucracy. I’ve got to get them out of my basement! We need more truly poor people to justify more bureaus.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’m not arguin’ wifin that. Ah’ve got a whole bunch of relatives needin’ administrative jobs, too.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: We all do. But, enough about our ne’er-do-well relatives. We need new lies to support Social Security. Do you know how many administrative jobs there are in that department? None of them are necessary, not a single one. They need more than good lies. They need great lies!
Dr. Vermon Floater: So, how about some lies? We’ve been going on and on about our own concerns, and we haven’t provided a single new lie for clients.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: It’s mighty hard. Social Security is such a huge, magnificent lie all by itself that it’s downright difficult to come up with a lie good enough to support it. In Texas, we’d say that it’s like throwin’ a match on a county-wide grass fire.
Dr. Vermon Floater: I repeat, we need some actual lies. I do have one. I’m not proud of it, but it’s a start: “Social Security does make older people much poorer, and it keeps their children poorer, too. That’s good, because poverty helps humility, and humility increases our chances of getting into Heaven.” Not that I believe in Heaven, mind you, but I’ve heard that a lot of the field beasts do.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Some of the poor fools are so worried about gettin’ into Heaven that they won’t mind givin’ up their money and their kids’ money, too.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: I think someone in their religion said they should “give Caesar what is Caesar’s”. If that’s true, we should encourage it.
Dr. Putin Chainz: If they actually take someone seriously who said that, why, those are the kind of fools we need. The field beasts should be giving us a lot more than they are.
Dr. Vermon Floater: I agree with that. One of us will have to study up on this “give Caesar what is Caesar’s” business. Any volunteers?
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: I’ll take a look at it. I think I had an older relative who believed that stuff before we put her away.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Where’d you put her, Emily?
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: Oh, you know, we went on a family vacation to Holland. We only had to buy her a one-way ticket, but we didn’t tell her that.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: If I might interrupt? I’m new to this country, and to this committee. I do not understand. In my country, no one ever thought of giving money to old people. We just let them die. Social Security is a new concept to me. Why do you do such a thing?
Dr. Vermon Floater: A long time ago, we began to move against God-Fearing people. We started by promising to take money from their children and give it to old people if they’d vote for us. Americans have been shafting their children ever since, never realizing that Social Security has turned them into child abusers.
Dr. Putin Chainz: We’ve got the kids believing it’s their duty! The whole thing is insane. Thank Baal that Public Education has made them unable to do basic math. Rather than retire with a million dollars in cash plus a pension of a few thousand a month, we give them a few hundred dollars a month, and they worry so much about losing it they vote for the people who are stealing them blind!
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: On top of that, we make the old field beasts so short of money that they worry themselves to death for a few more pennies of Social Security. Every early death saves us billions!
Dr. Vermon Floater: As an added plus, the homosexuals don’t live long enough to get a nickle of their Social Security payments back! Few of them live long enough to complain. We’d like everyone to be “gay”.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I had no idea you Americans were so clever! You pretend to care about homosexuals, mask their early deaths by calling them “gay”, and they think you care about them. Then, you make them pay for Social Security benefits they’ll never live long enough to collect. All the while, you don’t say a single word to keep them from killing themselves with self-inflicted diseases! Truly, I see why you are a superpower and my own country can barely feed itself.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘Course yer country cain’t feed itself. That’s ’cause our gummit subsidizes farmers who got acerages half the size of a township to buy tractors ‘n combines bigger’n houses. They kin raise grain cheaper’n anybody. Then, we dump it on international markets. Why, there ain’t hardly a country in the world that we’ve left with functionin’ farms.
Dr. Putin Chainz: While we’re destroying them, we pay a bunch of dead-brain environmentalists to tell them how important it is to be “sustainable”. It’s so much fun to be us!
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: Since no one knows what that “sustainability” mumbo-jumbo means, we’re able to turn whole continents into basket cases.
Dr. Vermon Floater: We’ve got to stop digressing. We’ve got a small minority of bright people in this country who realize that Social Security is a vicious fraud. We have the job of convincing them that Social Security is a good thing.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Well, mebbe we just do nothin’. Just say nothin’. Social Security is close to the biggest lie any gummit ever told, ‘n anything we say exposes a teeny leetle section of the fraud. Sometimes, no lie at all is better than a bunch of little lies they can get their teeth into.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Dick, I wish I could think of a lie effective enough to point out where you’re wrong, but I can’t. Social Security hurts every single person involved with it. If we say anything good about it, radical bloggers will be all over it. Maybe, the lie should be “We are examining and analyzing ways to improve Social Security.”
Dr. Putin Chainz: That’s a nice, comforting kind of a lie. It’s a start. Just say over and over “We are examining and analyzing ways to improve Social Security”. There’s not one of our news-spewing morons who can’t get that right.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: And, I will study that sentence about “giving Caesar what is Caesar’s” That sounds like a real winner, to me. Who said that, Moses, Mohammed, Jesus, Buddha, or was it a bureaucrat?”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: For many years, Ah passed as a Southern Baptist. Ah’m pretty sure it was Jesus. Sounds like something he’d say.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Using Jesus to turn ’em into patsies can work against us. Don’t those Amish believe in Jesus? They got out of paying Social Security. Why, they’re buying up hundreds of thousands of farms with the money they save. If we could get them paying Social Security, we could drive them into poverty, too.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Why do you let them get away without paying?
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: To make rest of the fools think they have freedom of religion. That way, they couldn’t, and can’t, accuse us of being complete tyrants. And, who really cares about a bunch of dirty, smelly yokels without hot water?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: So, the best way to make your slaves think they’re free is to let a few of them do a few things that no one else wants to do?
Dr. Vermon Floater: Right. There is some concern that the other field beasts may become Amish, since that’s the only way to get out of paying Social Security, but they have to give up electricity, their cars, and nearly everything else they think is important before they can convince one of our courts that they are truly Amish.
Dr. Putin Chainz: We don’t just exempt the Amish from Social Security. We made it so that they don’t have to pay, or get paid, minimum wage. They pay no unemployment compensation. We use cheap Amish labor to destroy prosperous, rural communities the the same way we let Chinese slave labor destroy America’s big manufacturers.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: And, after the Amish have put all their neighbors out of work, they buy their farms for peanuts, have huge families, and their children go on to destroy other rural areas. The Amish are better than cancer!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Your leaders are brilliant! You take fifteen percent of your workers’ pay from them every year that they work, and just dribble back a few percent for the last few years of their lives. All the while you further destroy them with illegal immigrants and Amish. And, they think you’re doing them a favor! How do you get away with that?
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: Public Education. By the time they get out of school, they’re utterly unable to figure simple interest. They don’t even know what compound interest is. We just have our Congressoids and newsspewers tell ’em what a great deal they’re getting, and that it’s “secure”. We have that repeated a lot.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Once in a while, someone suggests that all government employees should have their pensions replaced with Social Security. That would cause a revolution! And, sometimes, people suggest that all taxpayers should get the same pensions that government people get. There’s not enough money in the world for that!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: But, don’t you say that there is “equality under the law?”
Dr. Vermon Floater: Sure, we do. We say it all the time. What that means is that they are equal under the law.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘N that means that they are equal to crap, iffin Ah may speak bluntly. We, on the other hand, we’re equal to Gods. That’s why we get to get everything we can from them.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Why do they put up with it? I’ve only been here a few years, but you’re stealing your field beasts blind! And, they’ve got guns! What keeps them from revolting?
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: I think I know. I looked into that “render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s.” It was Jesus who said that. He, the person they think is God, told them to ‘love their enemies’, so they have to love us! That’s why they don’t revolt. They’re too scared of God!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Yup. I ‘member frum passin’ as a Baptis’. They’s so scared of goin’ to Hayl fer offendin’ God that they love us. Don’ wanna miss out on their Kingdom of Heaven. Dam’ fools!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Is there any chance they could be right? I mean, having all that money taken from them and not shooting anybody? It’s incredible! Could they be right? Could this Kingdom exist?
Dr. Vermon Floater: Of course not! Our scientists have proven that there’s nothing to it. Better to have an eighty percent pension than spend twenty or thirty years living in the wretched poverty that most Social Security recipients live in.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’m shor’ not givin’ up mah penshuns fer no pie in the sky. That’s what they believe, ‘n we’re real glad they do!
Dr. Putin Chainz: What morons they are! They work so hard at loving their enemies that the safest thing for us to do is let them know that we’re their enemy. The whole thing is crazy. But, I’ve got a nice pension, and my wife’s a public school teacher. Together, we’ll be drawing three or four hundred thousand a year in retirement, as much as dozens of field beasts.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: This is amazing. I am so glad that the United Nations assigned me to this Sub-Committee as an official observer.
Dr. Vermon Floater: We are honored by your presence. I hope you learn enough to go back and rob your own field beasts blind.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: It may not be that easy for us. If anyone in our country believes that they should love their neighbor, let alone their enemy, or believes anything that Jesus taught, we execute them. If we steal as much from our field beasts as you steal from yours, they will shoot us down like dogs. I will encourage my government to work hard to help our people become Christians, so we can steal from them, too.
Dr. Putin Chainz: If you can’t get them to be Christians, you’d better get their guns away!
Dr. Vermon Floater: I just thought of something. We mail the social security checks to the older field beasts, don’t we?
Dr. Putin Chainz: I haven’t the vaguest idea.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank tha’s how they be gettin’ em.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: That’s how my grandmother got hers. In the mail.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Why make it easy for the fools? Let’s make the field beasts pick them up. Tell them, “Social Security is so important that personal participation in check pick-up is vital.”
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: At the Post Office?
Dr. Vermon Floater: I think they should have to go to the nearest County Seat. Give each of them a time to show up. If they don’t get there on time, no checky-check.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank tha’s a mag’if’cen’ idee!
Dr. Putin Chainz: Let’s make them travel to their state capitol. And, stand outside. Maybe camp out for a week or so! Then, we can sell them “mailing permits” so they can get them in the mail, like they used to.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: You American bureaucrats are geniuses! Oh, the joy of making their lives sad and miserable! Who can do it better?
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:
CLIENTS THINK TAXPAYERS ARE HAVING TOO MANY CHILDREN. EVERY CHILD IS A TAX DEDUCTION THAT REDUCES AVAILABLE FUNDING. WORSE, MANY MOTHERS STOP WORKING WHEN THEY HAVE A CHILD. THAT CUTS TAX RECEIPTS, ESPECIALLY FOR SOCIAL SECURITY.
OUR CLIENT NEEDS LIES TO CONVINCE PEOPLE THAT THEY ARE EITHER TOO YOUNG OR TOO OLD TO HAVE CHILDREN.
LIE WELL, LIE OFTEN.
Dr. Vermon Floater: As Director of this important Sub-Committee, I appreciate the confidence reposed in us. The lies must be simple, confusing, and result in lower birth rates among the tax-paying population.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: Won’t the field beasts be mad? I mean, what if one or two of the brighter ones figure out that fewer children mean less money for their own Social Security accounts?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah wouldn’t worry ’bout that. We’ll have drained Social Security by the time the fools’re old enough to get it. We’ll just tell a big, bald-faced lie: “Fewer children make a stronger system.” The fools are natchurally selfish. Lots of ’em don’t want to be bothered with nuffin’ that’ll get in the way of buyin’ what they want, ‘n they’re lookin’ for any excuse not to have children.
Dr. Putin Chainz: In my country, we have lowered birth rates to zero. Soon, there will be no more Russians, and we will have reached the “depersonalized equilibrium” that environmentalists have targeted as their goal.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Here, we have to make the fools get rid of themselves. To lower our birth rates, the Education Sub-Committee should force people to be certified to get any kind of a job. Keep them in schools for decades to learn simple things that their parents learned in a week. Make them borrow money to pay their tuition. By the time they pay it back, they’ll be too old to have children.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: And, we can have a bunch of news/talk shows focusing on “the incurability of stretch marks after 30”, or some silly poppycock like that. We tell ’em that they shouldn’t have a child before they’re 28 or after they’re 31. A lot of ’em will believe it.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’ve got a good one! We’ll make it illegal to get married befor’ the age of 28. Raisin’ the age of marriage keeps people who could be payin’ taxes from havin’ kids ‘n avoidin’ taxes.
Dr. Vermon Floater: We can come up with some medical lies, as well. Here’s one: “Human eggs are not fully formed until the age of 28. They begin to decay rapidly at the age of 30. This decay is progressive. By the time a woman is thirty five, any children she may have are almost statistically certain to be morons.”
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: I love it! I just love it! Let’s put a new tax on them! It’s only fair. If a woman has a child when she’s younger than 28 or older than 31, the other taxpayers may have to bear the burden of defective citizens. A sliding scale of charges should be put in place. That’s the “fair thing to do”.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah lak it! Iffen they’re 32 and have a baby, we fine ’em ten thousand dollars. Iffen they’re 40, we fine them a hunnerd thousand and take their house. We can reduce the number of tax deductions, increase the number of tax payers, and get a whole new income stream!
Dr. Putin Chainz: If pregnant women of the wrong age knew they were going to be fined for, let’s call ’em “Out Of Prime” babies, they’d have more abortions. We could get kickbacks on the increased business from our friends at FamPlan!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Emily n’ Putin, that is marvelous lyin’! Top drawer! Death and taxes, too! What could be better than that?
Dr. Vermon Floater: Why don’t we stop adjusting their pensions for inflation?
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: Vermon, that’s wonderful. If there’s three percent inflation, by the time they die, their social security checks will be worthless!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Won’t they be mad?
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE THINK THAT’S A WONDERFUL IDEA! BUT, IT’S POLITICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. SO MANY OF THE OLD FIELD BEASTS VOTE THAT, IF THEY’RE MAD, THEY MIGHT UNSEAT SOME CONRESSOIDS.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah got a good ‘un. Let’s take stuff that’s goin’ up reel fas’, lak gazzoline ‘n food ‘n electricicals, ‘n recalculate inflashun wiffout puttin’ ’em in.
Dr. Putin Chainz: So, the real rate of inflation, with those things included, might be ten or fifteen percent, but we’ll only give them, say, three percent?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s it! They’re so dum they’ll think that they’ll be gettin’ more, but they’ll acshually be gettin’ less.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Surely, they cannot be that dumb!
Dr. Vermon Floater: They are! We’ll save trillions! Why, if we increased their pensions at the actual rate of inflation, they’d be getting two, three times what they’ll be if we do it Dick’s way!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: What about the organizations that look out for old peoples’ well-being? Won’t they complain because all their retirees pensions are cut by more than than half?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: You meen like them pipple art AAARRRPP? Heck’s fire, they’s all wurkin’ fer us. They’ll tell the ol’ field beasts what a good deal they’s gettin’, ‘n they’ll beeleeve ’em!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: What a great country you have!
OUR CLENTS ARE PLEASED WITH THIS LIE. THEY HAVE REQUESTED SOME HIGH-LEVEL LIES TO MAKE PEOPLE THINK BEING DEPENDENT ON GOVERNMENT IS SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF. WE MUST FURTHER UNDERMINE THE DESIRE FOR INDEPENDENT THINKING BY GOD-FEARING PEOPLE.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We’re already doin’ a lot of that on the Education Sub-Committee. We’re fixin’ it so the l’il basta’ds won’t be able to read ‘n write, hardly a’tall.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Dick, I think we need to go beyond that. We need lies to make them think that wanting to do anything on their own is both dangerous and anti-social.
Dr. Vermon Floater: That’s right. Acting independently is, by definition, “anti-social”.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: We know that, but how do we get it across.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: When I came to this country, I noticed that many Americans admired inventors. Like Thomas Edison. Eli Whitney. Alexander Graham Bell. Those kind of people should disappear from history books. We should get students to understand that new things are disruptive, and should be discouraged.
Dr. Putin Chainz: I agree. And, it’s the smarter people who can do such disrupting things. They should be despised, not respected.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: That’s right. Who do these smart people think they are, anyway? Going around and making new things and thinking new thoughts. The old ways should be good enough for everyone.
Dr. Vermon Floater: The only way to be truly smart is to look smart. Clothes and hair arrangements are the most important part of living. People who do not look good are not good.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s right. We wan’ ’em to be shallow. We wan’ ’em to think that lookin’ good is better than bein’ good, and that bein’ bad is even better.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: Then, get them convinced that tattoos, orange hair, and nuts, bolts, pins, and needles stuck in their bodies make them look best of all.
Dr. Putin Chainz: That’s it! Make them wear the lie! Make them brand themselves with the lie! Make them undermine themselves every time they look in a mirror.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: And, compliment them for tearing themselves down. Destroy all pride and self-respect. I’d like to see every person forced to tattoo twenty percent of their skin. That way, there wouldn’t be any untattooed people thinking that they were better.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: I like that, Teefertu. But, what if they don’t want to?
Dr. Vermon Floater: We could make it a requirement for school admission. Let’s start out with pre-schoolers and have their names and and addresses tattooed on their arms.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Vermon, that won’t fly. Some of the smarter parents’ll say: “We’re going to be moving, and it would confuse li’l Cody to have three or four addresses tattooed on his arms.” ‘N it will, ‘specially since l’il Cody won’t ever know how to read n’ write.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Then, we make them get SS numbers, and start by tattoing them with that. For “safety” reasons.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Then, we tattoo them with their blood types. And, IQs. That way, we can be sure that only the dumbest children are put into advanced classes and vice versa.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: That’ll fly. When we get some depraved moron with a doctorate to say “It’s to help the children.”, the fools’ll believe it as much as they believe “It’s for your own good.” Ah jes’ wish we could tattoo their foreheads, but that’ll make some of the parents too mad. We’ll jes’ tattoo their hands ‘n arms.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: As they go through the grades, we can add tattoos about the subjects they’ve taken, grades they’ve gotten, and their mandated lifetime employee assignments. By the time the little bastards get out of high school, we should have both their arms tattooed from wrist to elbow. And, we’ll put down everything they did wrong.
Dr. Putin Chainz: If they are blind, let’s tattoo them with raised ridges, like braille tattoos. Mustn’t deprive the handicapped of an equal opportunity!
Dr. Vermon Floater: That’s wonderful! They’ll all be so constantly reminded of their past failures that they won’t care about their futures.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Not iffin we don’ teach ’em how to read what’s tattooed on ’em!
FIELD BEASTS HAVE BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT SWARMS OF NEWCOMERS. THEY ARE TAKING JOBS AND INCREASING THE TAX BURDENS ON SCHOOLS, HOSPITALS, AND TRANSPORTATION. OUR CLIENT NEEDS LIES TO MAKE TAXPAYERS THINK THIS FLOOD OF LOW-WAGE WORKERS IS HELPING THEM.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: This is going to be hard! Why, it’s dam’ near ‘mpossible fer ‘merican kids ter find jobs ’cause the illegals are doin’ all the work the ‘merican kids’d be doin’.
Dr. Vermon Floater: It is going to be hard. Why, every time a boy rides a school bus past a construction site, all he sees are immigrants doing jobs he’ll never get.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Good! We want them to think that life is hopeless, and this will help. Every day, young people must feel more hopeless.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: Yes, we don’t want little boys growing up to think they have to get jobs and support families.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: That’s right. The only jobs available for native-born Americans should be in drug distribution. Then, we can catch them and put them in jail, where they belong.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: How we gonna make a, oh, Ah don’ know, carpenter or butcher, fer instance, think he’s better off after he loses his job ter an illegal immigrant?
Dr. Vermon Floater: While they’re sitting around the house on unemployment, we’ll have our talk show subordinates tell them that “now they’re free to utilize their creative ability.”
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: And, after they go broke trying that, they’ll have to steal or sell drugs to make money, and we can put them in jail.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Y’all are sure in a hurry to put all the Americans in jail, Teefertu.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Oh, yes. Every jailed American is an employment opportunity for one of my relatives.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: I’d like to see every American man in jail. For all these years, they’ve only been able to be successful by taking advantage of women.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah don’ know iffin we’re treatin’ y’all that bad, Emily. After all, we’ve made it illegal for a bunch of women to work over l’il girls with a sharpened tablespoon to scrape out their clitorises like they do in a lot of them ay-rab countries. On top of that, we ain’t allowing our wimminfolk to be sold into slavery. Er get kilt fer ‘honor’.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Dick, do I get the impression that you don’t want to do everything in your power to help your government?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Oh, Ah believe in bigger Gumment. Ah shorely do. Ah just wish that Emily could see that she was better off livin’ here than in some country where she wouldn’t be allowed to talk, much less vote.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: Dr. Dudewell, I must protest! You know that no liberated women will ever allow herself to contemplate the fact that billions of women who are vastly worse off should make her “thankful” to the earlier generations of disgusting American men who protected women just to help themselves.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah just don’ think Ah should be in jail.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: And, of course you shouldn’t. You, after all, are willing to destroy the jobs and status of other American males to enrich yourself. In fact, after Benedict Arnold, I think I like you most of all.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Emily, are you making a pass at Dick?
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: Do you think I’d tell you if I was?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah know Ah wouldn’t tell.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: That’s because you are a gentleman.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: They are flirting! We are not supposed to have feelings for anyone, let alone each other.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Can it, Teefertu. After all, iffen yer country was worf lootin’ ‘n destroyin’, we’da been over there doin’ just that.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:
AS YOU KNOW, AN ONGOING POLITICAL OBJECTIVE IS TO REPLACE GOD WITH GOVERNMENT. WE HAVE DESTROYED HIS RULERS, WEAKENED HIS CHURCH, AND REDUCED HIS CREDIBILITY.
NOW, THERE IS A HARD PHILOSOPHICAL PROBLEM TO OVERCOME. A RELIGIOUS FANATIC HAS SUGGESTED THAT “GOD CAN PROGRAM IN THREE DIMENSIONS.”
THIS COULD BECOME A THREAT. WE NEED TO UNDERMINE THIS IDEA AND ALL THAT CAN LOGICALLY BE EXTENDED FROM IT.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank we got a reely big prollum. Iffin the fools start to unnerstan’ that “God can program in three dimensions”, they might thank that He made the world.
Dr. Bernon Floater: It’s worse than that. If God could program in three dimensions, He’d have been able to make the whole universe in a week, like their you-know-what says.
Dr. Putin Chainz: This is terrible! Hundreds of years of Rousseau, Darwin, Marx, Freud, all down the drain from one sentence!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I do not understand. Why is this so bad?
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: Use your head, Teefertu. If God can program in three dimensions, He could make particles. You know how you have a screen-saver on your computer? If God could program in three dimensions, we might be living in a universe-sized, 3-D screen saver that God programmed in a week.
Dr. Putin Chainz: We have to tell the fools that something this simple can’t possibly be true. We can let them know that this whole thing is a fraud, cooked up by a Catholic Fundamentalist, the worst kind of untrained fanatic.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Like our global-warming experts?
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: Dick, this is no time for sarcasm. Anyone who supports us is a scientist, anyone who disagrees is a sham. We have thousands of scientists on retainer who can undermine this bizarre notion.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah don’t know how they can. As soon as somebudy objects, a Catholic Fundamentalist jes’ says, “Well, He programmed it that way.”
Dr. Putin Chainz: I see what you mean. If we tell the fools “Carbon-14 dating proves the world is 40 billion years old.”, they shoot back: “He programmed it to act that way.”
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: But, why? Why would He go to all that trouble?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Some of their faiths believe in free will. They would say “God wanted to provide a universe to provide each person with free will, so they could choose Him, or not.” In my country, we think that is a heresy.
Dr. Vermon Floater: I understand. No matter what argument we use against them, those Catholic Fundamentalists just say, “He programmed it that way. If you choose to see the universe as a series of accidents that began a long time ago, you’re free to do so.” Then, they get that know-it-all tone, and say “It’s all in the Bible.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: This idea that “God can program in three dimensions.” is a reel big prollum. There’s no way to contr’dic’ it. The field beasts are redefinin’ God in computer terms. It’s reelly no diff’rent than the “unmoved mover” stuff they talked about a thousand years ago.
Dr. Putin Chainz: And, that idea put us back for centuries. Blast Aquinas! And the Aristotle he rode in on. Who’d have thought they’d have come up with something as clever as “God can program in three dimensions.”
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: Maybe our lie should be: “Of course God can program in three dimensions, but only if you define Him that way.”
Dr. Vermon Floater: That’s a start. Then, we imply that only a credulous fool would do so.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Yes, but I’ve heard that some of the fools say “I am a fool for Christ.” Some of the fools are actually proud of that.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah agree. It ain’t much of a start. We got to remember that half the fools are on our side, half on the other. Iffin they jus’ convince a couple or so percent of the herd that they’ll go to hell fer votin’ fer liars and thieves, we’re gonna lose more elections.
Dr. Putin Chainz: That might cut funding! We can use our old favorite, “It’s a circular argument.” That leaves our side something to say.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: Yes, but it’s such a big circle. You know, it holds all of space and time in it, and can’t be contradicted.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Emily, whose side are you on? If we can’t undermine them by saying their argument is “circular”, what can we say?
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: Putin, this is the biggest problem I’ve seen. No matter how I think of it, it is possible that a three-dimensional programmer could have programmed everything. There’s no way around it.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Y’all are as stuck as Ah am. Iffin a bein’ could program in three dimensions, wal, that’s possible. But, how do pipple have babies? Are they programmers, too?
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: If there was a Programmer like that, he could make replicating programs. That would explain how things are going along the way they are.
Dr. Putin Chainz: I don’t like this. I don’t like it at all. The fools have reversed everything. Instead of admitting they can’t prove there’s a God, they’re saying, “It’s reasonable that there’s a three dimensional Programmer, and you can’t prove there isn’t one who programmed the universe, and us in it.” They’ve taken the offensive.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah hates it when they do that! Ah hates it!
Dr. Vermon Floater: We can’t disprove it. And, with a phrase like “replicating programs”, I hope they never think of that, they can explain how and why plants and animals are able to propagate.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Vermon, it’s even worse! Pre-programmed variations could explain what we call ‘evolution’.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: That’s right! If Catholic Fundamentalists think God can program in three dimensions, evolution loses credibility. So does geology. All of our pseudo-intellectual support systems are undermined, once the fools believe that “God can program three dimensional particles”.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: What Ah hate is that it’s so seemple. One lousy sentence destroyin’ ever’thin’. They ain’t a field beast in West Texas too dumb to unnerstan’ it. What it does, it gives credibility to what they’ve been believin’ all along.
Dr. Putin Chainz: What’s worse it that we can’t contradict it. What are we going to say, “It’s impossible for there to be a being who could program three dimensional particles?” They’ll ask, “How do you know?”, and what will we say?
Dr. Vermon Floater: We’ll tell ’em it’s ridiculous, that it’s a fanciful way to explain away a lot of religious mythology, that, well, we’ll call it all the names we ever called it.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: You know, I can’t get it out of my mind. I just think about it all the time. I look at the sun, and I say to myself “Rotating program for light emission”. I look at the planets, and I say, “Rotating programs for light absorbtion.” I look at all the parts of earth, and conclude, “programmed for sustaining free will programs.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Emily, get ahold of yourself. It’s ridiculous. You aren’t a child. You’re an experienced liar, one of the best in the world.
Dr. Emily St. Cloud: Don’t you see, Dick? I know lies better than almost anyone. I can tell this could be truth. I never believed in truth, never thought I’d like truth, but this could be truth. I can almost see it, something shimmering in the distance. I can’t think of a single thing to contradict it, and I don’t know if I want to.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: DR. FLOATER, THIS SESSION IS ENDED. WE WILL RECONVENE WITH NEW MEMBERS AT THE SCHEDULED TIME.
Personnel file inclusion: Dr. Emily St. Cloud has been one of our most experienced, versatile liars. She has indicated that she may have a tendency toward truth. She must be watched. Until her loyalites are verified, Dr. St. Cloud may not attend future sessions.
Dr. Vermon Floater: I want to let you all know that The Executive Committee has assigned a replacement for Dr. Emily St. Cloud, who’s on vacation. Dr. Rhonda Honda comes to us from Kyoto Multiversity, where she developed the Theory of Nullifying Elections Because of Mind-altering Pollutants and had it turned into law.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’ve heard of that! It’s one of the best ideas ever! Any time the fools dare to elect someone we don’t like, her brilliant theory allows us to reverse the election on the grounds that voters’ brains had been addled by pollution. Brilliant!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I am so glad that you like my little lie.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Little lie! I should say NOT! It gives us complete control of what some of the fools still think of as ‘democracies’.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: In my country, we are using your research to maintain complete control of taxation. The fools can do nothing! Nothing! Oh, sure, they whine and complain, but we have legislation for mandatory medication and surgery when necessary. Now, we have a nation of brainless sheep.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah think we could use a l’il more of them ‘brainless sheep’ in the good ol’ You Ess of A.
Dr. Vermon Floater: A lot more, Dick. A LOT more!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: OUR LAST MEETING ENDED WITHOUT A SERIES OF LIES TO COUNTER THE INSANE NOTION THAT ‘GOD CAN PROGRAM IN THREE DIMENSIONS, AND THAT’S HOW HE MADE EVERYTHING IN A WEEK.’ WE FEEL THIS IDEA MUST BE THOROUGHLY DISCREDITED BEFORE MORE OF THE FOOLS COME IN CONTACT WITH IT.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah guess we got some hard lyin’ ahead of us. Any ideas?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: In my country, we convinced the fools that the world had no beginning and no end. It goes on forever, just like their wretched souls.
Dr. Vermon Floater: That’s a good approach with proven benefits. It has, of course, turned into a religion that keeps a billion people in absolute poverty.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: This is very perplexing. In reviewing notes from the last session, I understand that if God can program in three dimensions, he can make particles. Obviously, the world is made out of particles. Why? What would be the reason?
Dr. Vermon Floater: The fools have an answer. The largest Christian denomination insists that “God made the world so we would have the joy of knowing Him.” We all know that makes no sense, but this idea of three dimensional programming is easy for the fools to understand. It lets them actually visualize how He could have done it.
Dr. Putin Chainz: That’s bad! We don’t like them to have any way to visualize how the universe might have been put here. We want the fools to think it’s eternal and that each one of them is an accident with no future beyond a life that we must control for their own good.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Once they get the idea that God loves them, it goes to their heads. They start to think they’re somebody!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: It’s dangerous to have an entire country full of people who think God is real and that He loves them. They’d be impossible to control! They’d think they had rights! Why, it’s disgusting!
Dr. Vermon Floater: Remember the old argument, “With so much pain and suffering, how can there be a God?” Let’s get some magazine covers on that.
Dr. Putin Chainz: What about mobilizing our base? I mean, most of our supporters work at some job that’s especially useless. Let’s get them on this. They should start defunding anyone they think believes in God.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wal, we tried that at Sludgewater Falls International Multiversity. Fired ever’ dam’ Chrischun in the place. Then, the air conditionin’ went down. None of us knew how fix it. Limousines started breakin’, and we couldn’t even change a spark plug. When the air conditionin’ in the limos went down, we was paralyzed. Why, it was a disaster. Had to hire the whole passel ‘o white Chrischuns back.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Something like that happened at Kyoto International Multiversity. We fired three Christians in our accounting department. Their replacements absconded with our retirement funds. And, the Japanese government refused to replace the money!!
(Transcriber apologies: The transcription stopped for several minutes as the full horror of Dr. Honda’s account sank in. When conversation resumed, it was so garbled with all Members talking at once as to be unrecordable.)
Dr. Vermon Floater: Order! Order! Rhonda, that’s the most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard! And, since Kyoto was a new International Multiversity, your corporation was responsible! How did you manage?
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Well, we just didn’t tell anybody. We couldn’t, it was so-o-o embarrassing. We tripled tuition, and put the increases back into our accounts. It took a few years, but we’re back to several million apiece.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Is your new accountant a Christian?
Dr. Rhonda Honda: They have their uses.
Dr. Putin Chainz: What happened to the accountants who took the money?
Dr. Rhonda Honda: None of know for sure, but the head accountant is rumored to either be on one of the Lie Committees or a high-ranking member of Cleanfleece.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah cain’t imagine one of us doin’ sech a thang to his own kind!
Dr. Putin Chainz: Whatever happened to honor?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: After you had your money back, did you reduce tuition to its original levels?
Dr. Rhonda Honda: We most certainly did not! We thought we deserved something for all our worry and concern, so we just doubled our salaries. All in all, it’s worked out very well for us.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Mebbe we should find them pipple ‘n hire ’em to replace Sudgewater Falls International Multiversity’s accountin’ staff so’s they’d steal all our money. Then, we could triple tuition. Be a nice l’il morale booster. Baal knows we need it!
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: YOU SEEM MORE CONCERNED WITH SALARY INCREASES THAN DEVELOPING A LIE TO DIRECTLY CONTRADICT THE INSANE NOTION THAT ‘GOD CAN PROGRAM IN THREE DIMENSIONS’. PLEASE CONTINUE TO WORK ON THAT.
IN THE MEANTIME, YOUR IMMEDIATE ASSIGNMENT HAS TO DO WITH TIME. TOO MANY FIELD BEASTS HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS. THEY MAY MAKE TROUBLE. KEEP THEM BUSY. WASTE THEIR TIME.
Dr. Vermon Floater: I’ve noticed that far too many field beasts are involved in sports, community activities, raising children, meddling in politics, doing all sorts of things they aren’t able to do properly.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Any time a field beast is doing something we can’t tax or regulate, it’s not doing anything worthwhile.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Lines. I like to see field beasts spending their time standing in lines. Hour after hour.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I like that! They should line up to go to the bathroom, drink water, eat food, and go do bed. Let’s reduce the number of places they can do those things.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank that y’all are on the right track. Ah thank that, in the int’r’sts of public safety, Baal, how I love that term, that their terlets are filthy, filthy dirty. Publ’c Safety demands that we reg’late their use. It’s fer their own good.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: If they have fewer toilets, each toilet can be kept properly clean. Let’s limit their toilets to one per hundred field beasts. That is how many toilets we have in our country. Our lines are satisfyingly long.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s a nice ratio. Plus, they don’ need to go as offen at night. So, we kin shut half of ’em down fer cleanin’ at sunset. Keep ’em lined up night ‘n day!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: And then, don’t clean them! Make ’em stand in line and still get sick. Then, we get to have ‘serious public health issues that must be continually examined’.
Dr. Vermon Floater: We should only provide one authorized fluid source per toilet. It sounds nice and balanced. They’ll be lined up for hours, just to get a drink of water.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: “Authorized fluid source.”? Whatsat?
Dr. Putin Chainz: He means a water fountain or faucet.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: And, it doesn’t have to be clean water! Dirty water will make them sick, and then, who cares how much time they have on their hands?
Dr. Putin Chainz: What about distance? Farms are miles apart. A hundred people on farms would have to travel for miles to get a drink or go to the bathroom.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Serves ’em right. Never did like farmers. Well, I never really did like anyone, but I like farmers less. Think they’re so blankety-blank useful because they grow food. Make me sick.
Dr. Vermon Floater: If we make it too hard, they may just go to the bathroom outside.
Dr. Putin Chainz: What! Would even a field beast do that?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Shore would! They got no shame. Furmers, ‘ticularly. They see them cows and horses goin’ to the bathroom outside, ‘n wonder what the big deal is. Why, you cain’t hardly get a farmer to sign on to public sewage. They can see how dumb it is to worry ’bout human waste when they see how vastly much more waste them big furm anymals produce.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Maybe that’s why I don’t like ’em. Farmers just know too much.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Forget the farmers. There’s hardly any farmers left. Did such a good job producing food that they wiped themselves out. We want to get the city dwellers using public toilets, first. Then the suburbanites. Then, we’ll worry about the farmers, if there are any left.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Good advice, Dr. Floater. We can have a bank of public toilets on every block in every city. We add toilets until we have average lines as long as we need them while we still get all the work we need to out of them.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: And, we’ll put each water fountain as far away from the toilets as we can get them.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I’ve got a great idea! Make the field beasts pay to use the toilets!
Dr. Vermon Floater: That’s good! We should make them pay for all government services. Their taxes don’t come close to defraying the expenditures we’d like to make.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Let’s make ’em pay twice! First, to get into the toilet. Then, make ’em pay for the toilet paper they actually use, too. It’s not fair that one person uses a little bit and someone else uses a lot. A penny a square!
Dr. Putin Chainz: Then, a nickle! Rhonda, I’m so glad you’re on our committee. What good ideas!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Why, thank you, Putin. Your compliments mean so much more, coming from a Latvian. I know how much your family did to get those accursed Russians either dead or under complete control. Moving the price of each toilet paper square to a nickle is brilliant. It’s inflation-proof. It’s the best kind of self-funding! We’ll wipe ’em out!
Dr. Vermon Floater: Not until we make ’em pay a third time, to flush. They won’t fork over that last quarter, so the toilet’ll be filthy for the next one.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: They’ll pay iffen the door don’t open ’til they pay. But, Ah kinda lak yer idea ’bout leavin’ the terlets a stinkin’ mess.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Sort of reinforces how helpless they are to do anything.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: EXCELLENT TIME-WASTING IDEAS! OUR OFFICIALS ARE ECSTATIC, KNOWING THAT PEOPLE WON’T HAVE AS MUCH TIME TO INTERFERE WITH THEIR IMPORTANT OPERATIONS. PLEASE CONTINUE.
Dr. Putin Chainz: We will need special police, both for the toilets and the water sources. Otherwise, the field beasts will be eliminating waste in unsupervised, unobservable places. Highly trained “Cleanliness Forces” will have to make inspections and arrests for “Unauthorized Elimination”.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Putin, you’ve given me an idea! We’ll be able to monitor bathroom use not only for those who go, but also, we’ll be able to find out who’s NOT going.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah get it! Iffen someone don’ go to the right terlet, ‘n go offen enuf, we’ll know, and we can get ’em! Big fines. Jail. Wonnerful idea, Vermon.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: OUR CLIENTS ARE VERY IMPRESSED! FINALLY, THEY WILL BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY DISOBEDIENT AND DISSIDENT GOD-FEARING CITIZENS. IN ALL OF HISTORY, NO ONE HAS BEEN ABLE TO FLUSH THEM OUT AS EFFECTIVELY.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Thank you for your kind words.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Dr. Floater, I’m beginning to see how brilliant your idea is. Each and every field beast will have to show up at a pre-determined location several times a day and stand in line for as long as we want. If they don’t, we jail them.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: It’s even better’n what the Ayrab tyrants do, havin’ ’em go blocks away ‘n pray four or five times a day while secret police search their homes, shops, and offices. Ever’ American’ll each be goin’ to the terlet fer at least an hahr, and no one will have any secrets. Ah got to hand it to you, Vermon. Tha’s a mighty fine lie!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Anyone caught using any unlicensed bathroom must be sent to jail.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: And, every jail will have a greatly reduced number of toilets! No more toilets in the cells! We’ll make the whole world stand in line! All the time!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘Ceptin’ us. We got more ‘mportant thangs to be doin’.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I have thought of something. While the fools are standing in line, they may complain to each other. They may use long lines as a way to mobilize against us. We’ll need laws. “It is illegal to communicate in any way with any non-uniformed citizen while standing in any line.”
Dr. Vermon Floater: Brilliant, Teefertu! Absolutely brilliant! We don’t want any of them complaining to each other about anything. Maybe we could have them stand in line facing in such a way that they’d have to watch television the whole time. Mind-rotting shows, with the latest music played at ear-splitting levels.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah got a good one! Let’s make ’em stand in line facin’ backwards!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Make them all face ninety degrees clockwise from the person behind them. It will complicate the forward motion of the line and provide opportunities for fining and embarrassing them.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Any citizen who turns in a complainer should get to move forward in line. Well, they can move forward if they walk backwards.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: While they’re standing backwards and sideways in line, let’s have them sing patriotic songs about the joys of living in such a free and benevolent country.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah lak that! Havin’ ’em sing “Yankee Doodle” whiles they’s prac’t’ly wettin’ theirselves, now that’d be real fun.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Having them sing about “the land of the free and the home of the brave” while they’re lined up for an hour to pee will let them know just how free and brave they are!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I’d like to have ’em sing “My country ’til of Thee, sweet land of liberty.” over and over, knowing that it’s utterly untrue. Burn their lying helplessness right into their brains. Baal, I hate ’em.
Dr. Vermon Floater: If they don’t sing, they have to go to the end of the line. If they don’t sing loudly enough, they have to go to the end of the line. If they don’t look like they’re happy, then they have to go to the end of the line.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: What if they sit down? Carry a chair with them?
Dr. Rhonda Honda and Dr. Vermon Floater in chorus: Then, they go to the end of the line!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: When they ain’t acshually shufflin’ ahead in line, they oughten to be made to stand at attention.
Dr. Vermon Floater: To be fair, we need equal time. Every field beast should get exactly a minute and a half in the toilet, whether they need it or not. Some of them will have to leave the toilet and immediately get back in line! Oh, the joy!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Eject ’em automatic’lly after ninety seconds! Use sprang-loaded seats, ‘n jes’ blow ’em right outten der terlet iffen they takes too long!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: We must make sure that the toilets have a completely natural aroma. Even if they don’t need their 90 seconds, that’s how long it’ll be until the door unlocks. We’ll make sure they have a chance to fully appreciate what we’re doing for them.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Even their clothes will reek! I can hardly wait!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We could have inspectors watch ’em while they’re in the terlet, ‘n tell ’em what to do ‘n jes’ how to do it with each and every piece of terlet paper. That’d be a good entry-level job for some of my relatives. Get ’em outten mah basement.
NOTE FROM EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE ARE PLEASED WITH THE AMOUNT OF TIME YOUR LIES WILL WASTE. WE ARE ALSO GLAD BECAUSE YOU WILL HAVE TAKEN A GREAT DEAL OF JOY OUT OF THE FIELD BEASTS’ LIVES.
YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY TAKEN SOMETHING THAT USED TO TAKE A FEW MINUTES A DAY AND TURNED IT INTO A PAINFUL ORDEAL. FOR OUR LIVES TO BE GOOD, THEIRS MUST NOT BE.
DO NOT FORGET LIES TO UNDERMINE THE NOTION THAT GOD CAN PROGRAM THREE DIMINSIONAL PARTICLES.
Dr. Dick Dudewll: Ah sware, Ah don’ unnerstan’ why that’s still sech a big deal.
Dr. Putin Chainz: It is, Dick. If the fools think God can program particles, or, worse yet, think that He could have programmed angels to program particles, and compile them into structures and put the structures in motion, some of them may think He’s real.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Well, so what if they do? We still have the armed forces and the police. We can keep them in line.
Dr. Putin Chainz: But, it’s harder. Once they start to take God seriously, they don’t take us seriously. They talk to our own lower level people. All of a sudden, our own underlings don’t take us as seriously as we’d like them to.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Damn those uppity underlings! Once we had some Christians enrolled at Kyoto Multiversity. They drove us crazy. Wanted us to give honest grades for honest work. The idea!
Dr. Vermon Floater: We can’t have honest grading in a State Multiversity! If we can’t give out whatever grades we want to favorites, it’s hard to give them scholarships. Hard to get favors in return.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We gots to be able to give scholarships to our friends! Iffen we cain’t do that, what kind of friends would we have?
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Many of the students took the Christians seriously. They were genuinely outraged when they found that the children of administrators got free tuition, room, board, automobiles, and a generous spending allowance.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: That kind of complainin’ is disgustin’! Iffen we cain’t give free stuff to our frien’s n’ relatives, who can we give it to?
Dr. Rhonda Honda: The Christians and Jews thought we should give scholarships to those who earned them.
Dr. Putin Chainz: See what I mean? If you give those Christians an inch, they’ll take a mile. If the notion that “God can program in three dimensions” takes hold, there’ll be no stopping them.
Dr. Vermon Floater: How do the mewing fools avoid looking at all the layers of rock and concluding that the world is billions of years old?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah knows what they say to that. “Rock layers were formed durin’ the Flood. Big tsunami-like tides rolled ‘roun’ the earth, ‘n stirred up sediment that dropped. Four or five miles of heavy water compressed it into layers of rock.” Ah know Ah couldn’t think of any argyment against ’em, back when I was passin’ as a Baptist.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: How do they explain away coal and oil?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: They say “Oil was programmed to be produced out of underground carbon, hydrogen, and combined with other chemycals and processes. He programmed it so’s Ishmael’s sons, the Ayrabs, would have somethin’ to sell to the mechanized parts of the world.”
Dr. Teeferu Nunferu: That’s ridiculous. What about coal?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Thay thank that coal is sort of crudded-up oil. The oil, they figger it spurted up durin’ the flood ‘n got trapped ‘n squeezed between some of the rock layers as they was bein’ laid down ‘n sort of dried out ‘n compressified.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Could that have actually happened?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Yer guess is as good as mine. Ah jus’ know we’s got ter be tellin’ ’em it couldn’t have happened.
Dr. Putin Chainz: You know that. I know that. But, those accursed Fundamentalists think that’s what happened. Catholic Fundamentalists are even worse, with that “How else could He provide free will?” business. After they think about “God can program particles”, it’s like herding cats to get ’em back to believing that the world is twenty billion or so years old.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Y’all know what they say? “The God Who kin program particles ain’t gonna waste time. He’s not gonna wait around for billions of years so’s fish can grow legs. He’s gonna get it done.”
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Whew! That’s a hard one to get over. You have to admit, our theory of a twenty billion year old universe does make any God look kind of slow and incompetent.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Maybe, we could tell them that He took so long to keep us from appearing to be so comparatively stupid.
Dr. Putin Chaina: They may believe that. But, then we’re saying there’s a God. We don’t want to encourage that.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: More importantly, we don’t want them taking seriously anyone who turns over the tables of the moneychangers.
Dr. Putin Chainz: That’s right! If He hadn’t done that, none of us would care what people believed. But, that’s just too much! He’s a threat to cash flows!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I never thought of that! You’re absolutely right! Why, if there was any kind of a Christian in charge of anything, we could lose our jobs.
(Transcriber apologies. After last comment, there was complete silence for nearly two minutes. Nothing to transcribe.)
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: YOU ARE NOT MAKING PROGRESS ON LIES TO UNDERMINE THE CATHOLIC FUNDAMENTALISTS’ IDEA THAT GOD ACTUALLY PROGRAMMED PARTICLES AND MADE THEM INTO THE UNIVERSE.
WE ARE DISAPPOINTED IN YOUR FAILURE. IN THE MEANTIME, DEVELOP LIES THAT WILL GIVE INTELLECTUAL CREDIBILITY TO LARGELY MINDLESS CELEBRITIES SO WE CAN USE THEM TO MISDIRECT THE FIELD BEASTS MORE EFFECTIVELY.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Oh, I just love using celebrities to tell people to think the way we want them to.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I do, too. It’s so delicious, getting dead-brain nincompoops to tell people they should worry about “city lights keeping observatories from properly observing. . .’, oh, I don’t know what, a lot of stuff that, with Hubble, they shouldn’t be wasting their time on.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Just the other day, I saw London Ritz-Carleton telling viewers they should be more concerned about planetary oscillation. The audience was nodding up and down, utterly entranced with a new problem to take their minds off the fact that we’re taking all their money.
Dr. Putin Chainz: London Ritz-Carleton? That dingbat! Was she telling them that people driving too many cars in and out of cities at the same time every day was causing the earth to wobble on its axis? That driving to work might cause the earth to roll around the universe like a loose ball?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Exactly! She did it very well. We get to increase mass transit fares everytime she brings it up. It’s gotten to be one of her specialities.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: She? Her?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Good question. I can’t tell, any more. London Ritz-Carleton may be one of those new gender-free models, dedicating their lives to keeping us free from sexual stereotyping. But, he/she, or it, certainly made a good case for keeping large numbers of people from driving their own cars back and forth to work at the same time every day.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’ll bet London Ritz-Carleton ain’t even a person. Ah’ll bet she was replaced wiffin one of the new robo-celebrities. They ain’t pipple a’tall. They’s jes robots wiffin mannikin outsides. On TV, they look lak pipple. Recorders do the talkin’. Machinery moves their lips.
Dr. Putin Chainz: What a breakthrough! No more paying a bunch of undependable, retarded actors and models to blab away on talk shows. We never knew what any of them would say, no matter how much they rehearsed. Robo-celebrities are much better.
Dr. Vermon Floater: An endless nightmare, dealing with liberals. They’re so dumb. So unreliable. You never know what they’ve been drinking or taking. They just say whatever comes into their minds.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: It’s wors’n that. Y’all know how hard trainers worked to get the silly dam’ celebrities to say som’thin’ over ‘n over ag’in when pipple’d clap. Christians ‘ud applaud at the wrong things, ‘n the dam fool celebrities ‘ud say “Merry Christmas” three or four times, or “people are dying because they can’t get DDT to kill mosquitoes”, ‘n they’d repeat it until security got rid of the applauders.
Dr. Vermon Floater: We can’t have that!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We don’ have it any more!! Ah luv them robo-celebrities. Completely rel’able. Never ferget what to say. ‘N, they can walk out to the chair, sit down, turn their heads, nod up ‘n down. Smile. Move their lips when they read the teleprom’ter. Why, the pipple watchin’ on TV cain’t tell the robo-celebrities frum real movie stars.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: The dumbest are female hyper-lib celebs. They can’t even do their own hair. We have shows where four or five of them pretend to think up things they say to each other. It’s a proven, highly-scripted format that tells the home-stupids how to think. We could use four or five robo-celebrities, rather than live celebrities, to host endless broadcasts of those shows!
Dr. Vermon Floater: Rhonda, no one ever thought of that! We’d only progressed as far as having individual robo-celebrities pretending to be guests on the shows. Your idea, having robo-celebrities actually hosting several endless shows is brilliant! No screw-ups. No accidental mistakes. Pure, unalloyed lies! No human mistakes!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah gots to admit, Rhonda, tha’s ’bout the bes’ idee Ah ever heerd tell of! Ah kin pitchur TeeVee shows wif noffin’ but robo-celebrities. Includin’ the camera opeators. Why, we don’ even need pipple, not wiffin yer idee! We kin get ’em fer ever’ racial ‘n demographic group! Fer p’actically free!
Dr. Putin Chainz: If we can robotize the entire television studio, we should get to keep the money that would have been on salaries!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: DR. CHAINZ, MONEY SAVED BY REPLACING HUMAN ACTORS WITH MORE RELIABLE ROBO-CELEBRITIES GOES INTO EXISTING EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE BUDGETS. CASH FLOWS WILL NOT BE CHANGED SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU HAVE HAD A GOOD IDEA. AND, DR. RHONDA HONDA’S IDEA ABOUT REPLACING WHOLE STAFFS OF HUMAN CELEBRITIES WITH VASTLY MORE RELIABLE, AND CHEAPER ROBO-BABBLERS IS BRILLIANT. THANK YOU, DR. HONDA.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Ohhh, thank you! I’ve never been complimented directly by THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE before, and I just can’t tell you what an honor it is.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: DR. FLOATER, YOUR COMMITTEE IS TO DEVELOP LIES TO JUSTIFY HIRING MORE POLICEMEN. WE ALWAYS NEED MORE POLICEMEN.
Dr. Vermon Floater. What a challenging assignment!
Dr. Putin Chainz: It is! We do need more policemen.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: We need more laws, too. People are always doing things, or thinking of things to do, that we haven’t yet made illegal. They’re getting away with, well, they’re not getting away with murder, but they’re getting away with too much.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Akshually, some of ’em on our side are gettin’ away wif murder, but not of anybody we kin see. Still, they is able to choose their clothes ‘n hair styles.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: That shouldn’t be allowed! They should have to wear the kind of clothes and hairstyles we say.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Why do they need hairstyles at all? Why can’t we just have them all shave their heads?
Dr. Putin Chainz: Vermon, that’s too simple. I think we should tell ’em how they should get their hair cut. If we like ’em, they get an inch of hair. If we hate ’em, they get no hair at all.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Wonderful! And, let’s make it so they can’t cut it. They have to pull out each strand! Tell them “It’s nature’s way!”
Dr. Putin Chainz: We’ll tell ’em that they can’t be trusted with knives and scissors. Might be stolen by homocidal maniacs. Pulling out their hair, strand by strand, is the safest, most natural way.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: What about us? Will we have to get rid of our hair?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Nah. We gets to keep ahr hair. Mebbe, we shuld nebber cut ahr hair. Let it get reel long. Jes’ to let ’em know.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Let them know what, exactly?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah don’ rahtly know. Jes’ let ’em know that we kin do annythin’ we want, ‘n they kain’t.
Dr. Vermon Floater: That makes sense.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I’ve got an idea. Let’s classify the fools into four quads. The first quad has to grow hair on the right front quadrant of their head. Second quad, left front quadrant.
Dr. Putin Chainz: That IS a good idea. It’s complicated and has absolutely no ratonal benefits. What would we tell them that the four quadrants mean?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Whatebber we wants!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Hair on the front right quadrant would mean that they’re approved for food and housing.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Hair on the right rear quadrant would mean that they are one infraction away from going to jail.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Hair on the left front quandrant would mean that they’re supervisors.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: What about bald field beasts?
Dr. Vermon Floater: They would have to glue hair onto the appropriate quadrant.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Not hair. Pieces of indoor-outdoor carpet.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I like that! Actually, lets pluck all of them. Then, we can give each of them their little piece of indoor-outdoor carpet and have it glued wherever we tell them.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Pluck ’em all! What a wonderful idea, Rhonda! Much more painful than cutting or shaving! How will we do it?
Dr. Putin Chainz: Well, we could have them pluck themselves. Or, we could hire pluckers. How often would they have to be plucked?
Dr. Rhonda Honda: At least twice a year. Maybe four times. We should hire, or appoint, pluckers. Let’s make the pluckers get licenses! And, make the fools pay to be plucked!
Dr. Vermon Floater: That’s absolutely marvelous! We’ll be able to spot any unplucked, untaxed field beast and put it in jail.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Thar’s mebbe a problum, here.
Dr. Vermon Floater: What’s that, Dick?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: How’s we gonna keep ’em frum pluckin’ theyselves?
Dr. Putin Chainz: Dick’s right! What if they plucked themselves? What if they used pain-deadening chemicals, and plucked themselved painlessly and for free?
Dr. Rhonda Honda: No pain for them? No money for us? That would be awful! The worst of all possbile worlds. We could cut off their hands.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Now, Rhonda. How are they going to wash our dishes, clean our houses, and fix our cars if we cut off their hands?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s raht, Rhonda. But, we culd make all the field beasts wear mittens when they ain’t wurkin’. Tell ’em it’s the only way to “keep unscr’pulous field beasts frum pluckin’ their own hair.” Call ’em “tax dodgers”, ‘n the “shame of a nation”. Give reewards fer turnin’ ’em in.
Dr. Vermon Floater: How do we keep them from taking the mittens off? You know, like when they take showers.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Why do field beasts need to take showers? There’s no need for them to remove their mittens unless one of us needs them to do something. So, we have a key or something when we need them.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: That’s a good idea. How do we lock the mittens onto their hands?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’ve been givin’ that cons’dable thought. Eepoxie ’em on.
Dr. Vermon Floater: We could chain them on. They’d be clanking around so we could hear ’em coming if they tried to sneak up on one of us.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Eeepoxie. Ah lak eeepoxie. Jes’ eeepoxie them mittuns raht on.
Dr. Putin Chainz: We don’t need to go to all that trouble. Just explain that if we see any field beast without his mittens, we’ll have them shot.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: YOUR INSTRUCTIONS WERE TO GENERATE MORE LAWS AND REGULATIONS TO INCREASE THE FINES WE COULD LEVY. DR. FLOATER, YOUR COMMITTEE HAS GONE TO EXTREME POSITIONS WITH SUGGESTIONS THAT CANNOT BE IMPLEMENTED UNTIL THE FOOLS ARE DISARMED. PLEASE, FOLLOW YOUR ORIGINAL DIRECTIVE.
Dr. Vermon Floater: You heard THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE. We need to generate more laws and regulations.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: It soun’s lak we need sum reggulashuns tha’ll genrate fines. Ah got a good ‘un. Ah thank we shuld regg’late poschure.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Dick, what in the world is “poschure”?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Poschure, y’all know whqt poschure is. How straight they be stan’in’.
Dr. Putin Chainz: You mean “posture”?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Yup. Poschure. Iffin they slumps over, we could fine ’em. Tell ’em they was crushin’ their lungs ur sum’thin’.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I like that idea. It’s easy to tell if someone is slumping. The dumbest policeman could tell. And fine them viciously for not standing up straight.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Do we tell ’em “You live in a free country, so stand up straight!”? Or, “You’re not in a free country any more, so stand up straight!”?
Dr. Putin Chainz: It’s a good way to get the older people behind us. They think we’re a lot of law-crazed, rabid regulators. They also think the country is declining, which, with us at work, it is. But, if we can get them to support us making people stand up straight, well, a lot of those old people vote.
Dr. Hector Protector: You know, this is my first meeting, but I think this is a wonderful idea. Self-righteous laws are the best. With a law like this, we’ll have a lot of informers. People would call and say “So and so is slumping. I saw it myself. I have pictures.” And, pay ’em a bounty. More for a picture.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: That is so good! We need to get neighbors to inform on each other. In my country, everyone is an informer. Here, hardly anyone will snitch.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Group, Before I forget, I’d like to introduce you all to the famous Dr. Hector Protector. Dr. Protector comes to us from an Enviro-Carbon group. Hector was personally responsible for limiting carbon emissions from three national forests that he had covered with thousands of square miles of plastic sheeting.
Dr. Hector Protector: It cost billions, and it didn’t work!
Transcriber’s note: (laughter recorded from all participants)
Dr. Hector Protector: Seriously, Posture Laws are sure to be a big hit with everyone. Parents will turn in slumping children, children will turn in slumping parents. And old people with osteoporosis, why it’ll be so expensive for them to leave the house that they’ll just stay home and die.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Oh, the Social Security outflow that we’ll stop! Happy days!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I like it because it’s so easy to enforce. Any time a policeman sees a “slumper”, we’ll be able to fine or jail it. Or both.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank it’ll be a reel asset to fundin’. Iffin we wurk it raht, we kin get them dirty Slumpers assigned to spec’l straytenin’ facilities. When we get ’em thar, we kin strayten ’em out reel gud.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Special Straightening Facilities? Licensed? Of course. Dick, there could be big money in this! Really big money.
Dr. Vermon Floater: I agree! We can use racks to straighten them out! Why, it’ll be like the old days! Plus, we’ll get to make ’em pay for it.
Dr. Putin Chainz: And, after they’ve been straightened out, they’ll have to come back for “readjustments”. There’ll be no end to the billing.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: You know, I like that “straightening out” description. That’s what we’ll do. “Straighten out a nation, one spine at a time.” Make it inevitable for all of them.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Put it in the skuls. The l’il basta’ds ahr slumpin’ all the time. Strayten ’em out gud. We’ll have poschure courses in the multiversities. Speakin’ of multiversities, where’d y’all go to skul, Hector?
Dr. Hector Protector: I had the good fortune to get a full scholarship to the Multiversity of East St. Louis. I majored in Intervention.
Dr. Putic Chainz: What branch of Intervention?
Dr. Hector Protector: I wrote my thesis on Anti-Happy Intervention. Any time we saw any person or group looking happy, we developed thought and language patterns we could use to make them less happy.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: That’s sounds like real fun! I hate to see happy people. I hate to see any people at all, but the happy ones make me the maddest.
Dr. Hector Protector: It’s pretty straightforward, really. There are only a few things that make people happy, and we’re able to undermine any of them in just a few minutes.
Dr. Vermon Floater: I wonder if we could tie that in to our present assignment? You know, we’re supposed to make more laws to make people poorer and more miserable.
Dr. Hector Protector: That’s a wonderful assignment. And, a new, rigorous set of Posture Laws could be a big help. But, what I’m suggesting is something more. I think we should do surveys, and find out what makes the field beasts happiest. Then, we target our laws and regulations precisely against those things.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Oh, that’s wonderful! Anyone can make laws to make the fools more miserable than they are, but to have scientifically designed laws against the things that make them happiest, that’s what we really need! We’ll get more bang for the buck!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THAT ANY LIE COMMITTEE HAS TRIED TO BE COST-EFFICIENT. CONGRATULATIONS!
Dr. Putin Chainz: This is a real breakthrough! Before, we just tried to come up with things to depress them. Now, we can make them absolutely joyless. Then, they’ll be easier to control.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wal, Ah thank y’all are onto sum’thin’. But, what is it that makes the grubby basta’ds happies’?
Dr. Hector Protector: We found that they were the happiest when then had children. And, grandchildren.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I’ve heard of that. I hate the idea of having children.
Dr. Hector Protector: You’re thinking properly, but there are a lot of field beasts who just don’t think as well as you do. We try to make them think that having children is expensive, and that the children are always ungrateful and waiting for you to die to get your money.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah know that fer a fac! Ah got kids by, oh, Ah don’ know, five ur six ex-wives, ‘n all any of ’em do is get the kids to ask me fer mor’ money. L’il basta’ds! Ah hate ’em, Ah tell ya.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Well, how do we actually, scientifically determine what makes the field beasts the happiest so we can zero in on it?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I know that some of them are happy when they go deeply in debt to purchase a new vehicle.
Dr. Putin Chainz: And, they are happy when they go deeply in debt to buy a new home.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE HAVE CLIENTS WHO PROFIT FROM THE DESIRE MANY OF THE FOOLS HAVE TO GO DEEPLY IN DEBT FOR HOMES AND TRANSPORTATION. SUCH ACTIVITIES ARE TO BE ENCOURAGED, NOT DISCOURAGED.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Sounds t’ me lak we oughten ter focus on takin’ the joy out of fam’ly life. Y’all got any idees?
Dr. Putin Chainz: I agree. I think pornography is a great replacement for family life.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: It is. When I came here, and discovered pornography, well, I sent two or three wives back home. Married some stylish Americans.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Teefertu, exactly how many wives do you have?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: In my country, there is only one answer for that, “Just one or two less than I could use.”
Dr. Rhonda Honda: So, we get some good, healthy porn going. And, for all ages. Old people aren’t looking at nearly enough porn. Some of them are too worried about going to hell.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Well, we’ve got to get them to stop thinking about that. Thinking about that “afterlife” stuff is bad for our side.
Dr. Hector Protector: I was reviewing some notes. This might be a good time to revisit that awful idea the Catholic Fundamentalists are always talking about, that “God can program in three dimensions, He can program particles.” A lot of things that make them happy come from God. We have to make belief seem less real.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Hector, is that the real reason you were assigned to this Committee? To help us come up with an argument about this horrible redefining of God?
Dr. Hector Protector: Frankly, yes. We’re seeing a surprising number of people wrestle with the thought that God can program in three dimensions, make particles, compile them into beings, and have them move through time. After a while, they end up leaving us. Just disappearing. We don’t need that.
Dr. Vermon Floater: We had an assignment about needing more policemen. Could we combine that with getting rid of this Catholic Fundamentalism rubbish?
Dr. Putin Chainz: You mean, make it illegal? Make Catholics illegal? Make Fundamentalists illegal? Make Catholic Fundamentalists the most illegal of all? Vermon, that’s a wonderful idea.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: How can we make an idea illegal? How can we tell people “It’s against the law for anyone to think that God is able to program in three dimensions?”
Dr. Rhonda Honda: First, we get people in line. We tell them that “It may upset people to let them know that God can program particles.” We have to let the courts know that “Cash flows are at stake.” We don’t want people able to find out about things like this. They might start believing in God.
Dr. Hector Protector: We don’t want that! Once people get the idea that God can program, oh, I don’t know, “sand”, for instance, they start to think: “He could do that. He could have programmed sand. And, rock. He could have programmed the whole universe. Maybe, the state exists because He programmed people with free will.” We don’t want that!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Remember our old colleague, Dr. Emily St. Cloud? She got carried away by this idea.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Actually, she got carried away by our security forces. She’s in solitary, somewhere. Not likely to get out any time soon.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: If what happened in my country happens here, it probably doesn’t bother her. When those accursed priest-missionaries came to my country, we would hunt down the converts. Many times, they would rather die than recant.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Can we make it illegal to say, write, or disseminate the notion that God can program in three dimensions?
Dr. Putin Chainz: We can. But, I don’t know if we should. Making it illegal might make them talk about it.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Then, we put them in jail.
Dr. Hector Protector: Let’s make it a hate crime!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: That’s what I love about hate crimes! Anything that anyone does is automatically hateful to someone.
Dr. Putin Chainz: What a marvelous idea! What could be more hateful than saying that there is a God more powerful than government?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah ‘member readin’ tha’ when the Romans started puttin’ Christians and Jews in jail, they ran out of cells. Finally, had to let ’em go. Iffin we puts too many of ’em in jail, my wife ‘n all mah ex-wives’ll have to start takin’ care of their own houses ‘n kids ’cause all the maids n’ nannies’ll be in jail. Don’ thank tha’s a reel gud idee.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: YOU MAKE GOOD POINTS. WE MAY NOT WANT TO MAKE IT ILLEGAL FOR THE FOOLS TO DISCUSS THE INSANE NOTION THAT GOD CAN PROGRAM IN THREE DIMENSIONS. IT MAY GET TOO MANY OF THEM THINKING ABOUT IT. PLEASE RETURN TO LIES THAT JUSTIFY MORE LAWS AND REGULATIONS. OUR CLIENTS NEED INCREASED FINES TO PAY FOR WAGE AND BENEFIT INCREASES.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Whew! That’s a real relief not have to think about God’s ability, or lack of same, to program three dimensional particles.
Dr. Putin Chainz: It’s really too much for us. Most of us specialize in ever-bigger government, and we aren’t experienced in theological matters.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: The Food Committee has lies about food, but have they focused on fining people for eating improperly?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We shore ain’t. Sounds like a great opportunity!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: It is. When you discover that the fools can be made to believe that “trans-fat” exists, and that “trans-fat” is bad for them, reliable legisloids will make it illegal to serve such food so they can levy fines on restaurants who disobey. But, that’s not where the big money is.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: You think we need to fine grocery stores for selling any newly illegalized substance?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Not just grocery stores. We also need to get right into peoples’ houses. We have to watch them prepare the food and compare it with approved lists.
Dr. Hector Protector: Let’s put little TV cameras in every kitchen. By every sink and next to every stove. We’ll monitor whatever food the field beasts are eating at a Central Location. I just love the concept of using Central Locations. I love the name. I could just sit here all day and say central location, central location, central location, central location, cent. . .
Dr. Vermon Floater: Hector! Get ahold of yourself! We all like Central Locations, but, I mean, really, to go on and on about it like that, well, . . .
Dr. Rhonda Honda: (interrupts) I can see how you’d get carried away. Everything should be decided at central locations. Central Locations for haircuts. Central Locations for shoe-shining. Central Locations for posture checks. Central Locations for clothing assignments. Every human activity should have a Central Location.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Where are you going with this?
Dr. Putin Chainz: I think I see. Are you suggesting that every one must live in a prescribed relationship to a Central Location? You want every human being to go to and from a Central Location every time they do anything?
Dr. Hector Protector: Central Location. Central Location. Central Location. Everyone must go to a Central Location every time they want to do anything. No decentralized activity. Everything in Central Locations.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Central Location for Sleeping. Showers. Toilets. Central Location for breakfast. Central Location for lunch. Same for dinner.
Dr. Hector Protector: Central Location for dressing. Central Location for undressing. Central Location for cooking. Central Location for brushing teeth. Central Location for sleeping. Every human activity has to have a Central Location.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Do all human, sorry, huper activities have to have a Central Location? I understand that sports activities take place in stadiums. What about people who watch sports on TV? Where do they go?
Dr. Hector Protector and Dr. Rhonda Honda together: They watch TV in Central Locations.
Dr. Hector Protector: There should be a Central Location for every TV category. Sports, News, Weather, Crime Shows, Public Television, Pretend Right Wing Commentaries, Pretend Left Wing Commentaries, and Animal Shows each have a Central Location.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: And, Central Locations for Commercials. Let’s say there’s one gymnasium where they’re allowed to watch televison. Every time there’s a commercial, they have to get up and go to the Central Location for Commericals. Baal, but they’ll hate it!
Dr. Hector Protector: But, they can do nothing.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Not a blam’ thin’! Rhonda and Hector, you reely know how to stick it to ’em! Soun’s lak we needin’ to build about a millyun “Central Locations”.
Dr. Putin Chainz: We have quite a few, already. Public Schools are Central Locations. Restaurants are Central Locations, but they have to be taken over.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s a gud point, Putin. We gonna haf ter provide fer the centralization of existing Central Locations.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: And, certifying! As we centralize and de-privatize, we are duty bound to certify! Each process will have its own committee. I think that both committees should report to me! At the most Central Location of all!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: (whispers) Rhonda! Iffin THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE thanks y’all’s tryin’ fer speshul cunsid’rashun, y’all mite git in big trubble.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Of course, I do not want both Committees to actually report to me, except in an advisory capacity. I may be able to offer some help or advice, but understand that THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE must make the final choice as to who is in operational control. (whispers) Thank you, Dick. Didn’t realize I’d gone too far!
Dr. Hector Protector: I hope you guys are taking all this seriously.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Oh, we are. Hector, you and Rhonda have done a marvelous job, and the notion of Central Locations, an hour ago, just a phrase, may become one of the biggest things we’ve ever done!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: You know, the cutest little song just popped into my mind.
Centralize, centralize.
Tell the dirty field beasts lies
About why they should centralize.
Every single beast reaction
Every single satisfaction
Should be centralized! Centralized! Centralized!
Dr. Hector Protector: It is kind of catchy. I think we should build observation decks around the Central Locations. That way, we can watch them. Well, not us. We’d hire a lot of academic moron-flunkies. They could chronicle all the things they do.
Dr. Vermon Floater: What do the fools do all day? I hear rumors. Making things. Building things. Fixing things. Moving things. They get paid to work. Then, we make them pay their taxes and take it all from them.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We don’ wan’ ter be takin’ all of it. Got’s to leeve the filthy field beasts wif sum’thin’. Udderwise, they cain’t eat. Cain’t buy food.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Do we really care? I mean, once they’ve done all the work we want them to do, staying alive just makes us spend more money feeding them. Housing. It’s all very expensive.
Dr. Hector Protector: It’s not as expensive with Central Locations!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE ARE STUDYING, FROM OUR CENTRAL LOCATION, YOUR WONDERFUL IDEA OF CENTRAL LOCATIONS. CLIENTS ARE COMPLAINING THAT MANY OF THE FIELD BEASTS ARE INCREASINGLY UNCONCERNED WITH FINES AND PUNISHMENT. THEY SAY “GOD WON’T LOVE ME UNLESS I LOVE YOU’. THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS”.
Dr. Vermon Floater: In decade and a half at Key West Multiversity, I never heard of such a thing! The fools believe that there is a God, and that this “God” loves them?
Dr. Putin Chainz: How could any God love such wretched, smelly things?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: God does not love them. He does not love anyone. He just keeps things going.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Keeps thangs goin’?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: He is like a pendulum. He just likes to see things move around just the way He wants. There is nothing about love in any of our Holy Books. Only the Christians’. And, the Jews’. Nowhere else. He only cares about moving things. That’s all there is.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: That makes sense. This whole idea of “love” is, well, what is it?
Dr. Heinrik Plow: Vell, I t’ink dat dis whole idea uf Gott luffing pipple is sick. Sick, I tell you! Ve do not need luf. Ve need der pipple to do vat dey is tolt. Dat’s vat ve need. Ven pipple luf each udder, dey do unpredictable tings. Ve haf to stop luf.
Dr. Vermon Floater: That is so very, very true. We should, first of all, undermine the concept of human love. Then, thinking that God loves them will seem that much more ridiculous.
Dr. Putin Chainz: And, make them think that even the idea of God is silly.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: When I went to Oxford Multiversity, I had a course on Aquinas. He had very disturbing thoughts on an “unmoved mover”. We have to make the fools think there is no such thing as an “unmoved mover”.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: When Ah was passin’ as a Baptist, we run into that argyment. We jus’ said that it was “frum the Dark Ages”, ‘n ignort it.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Well, we need to think of something a little more profound. And, I’m tired of trying to dismiss that argument by calling it “circular”.
Dr. Hector Protector: I don’t know what else we can say. If there was a beginning, then we can’t prove there was not a Beginner. If we say “there was no beginning”, then, how did things start?
Dr. Vermon Floater: We just say “We do not know.”
Dr. Putin Chainz: We cannot say that. No government agency can ever admit ignorance of anything! It would not be proper! It would not be right! It would be a sign of weakness! We must know everything or the fools will not respect us.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah gots news fer ya, Putin. They ain’t respectin’ any of us now. They jus’ doing what we say ’cause they’s too scared not to.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: That means that they can trust us to get back at them if they make us mad, and that’s the only kind of respect we need.
Dr. Putin Chainz: That is a start, but it is not enough. We must be as infallible as God in their eyes! There must be no question we cannot answer!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE ARE NOT IMPRESSED WITH YOUR ARGUMENTS. THEY WILL FOOL NO ONE. BELIEVERS ARE STILL OUR GREATEST ENEMY AND YOU HAVE FAILED TO UNDERMINE ANY BELIEFS THEY HAVE IN GOD.
YOUR ASSIGNMENT IS POSTPONED.
IN THE MEANTIME, WE NEED A FEW LARGE PROJECTS TO CONVINCE THE FOOLS TO PAY HIGHER TAXES.
Dr. Vermon Floater: I love big projects! So exciting!
Dr. Putin Chainz: And, they go on forever. Well, they go on until there’s a collapse. Or, a revolt.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: After any revolt, the new government still needs to keep ’em off the streets. Lots of times, they put ’em right back on the same project. The Chinese had people working on walls. They would revolt. The new government’d put them back to work on the walls. That went on for centuries.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah luv a reely big projec’! Ah remember buildin’ skools ’til we bankrup’ed half the field beasts in mah county. Mah fav’rite big project was expandin’ the space program. We wanted to send a randum selecshun of pipple to the moon. Now, that wuz a projec’! All that money, up in smoke!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: They all died, didn’t they?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Shore did! Ever’ las’ one of ’em. They went up in smoke, too.
Dr. Hector Protector: Didn’t anyone complain?
Dr. Vermon Floater: We had news releases that said, “They sacrificed themselves in the name of science, progress, and the common good of all humanity.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘N the fools beeleeved that?
Dr. Putin Chainz: Of course. Flags were flying. Bands were playing. We couldn’t identify any of the bodies. All five hundred volunteers fell out of the transport pod and fell through the roof of a Holiday Inn from twenty five miles in the air. Killed two hundred more people in the Holiday Inn.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: What did you do with the bodies?
Dr. Putin Chainz: We just left them there. Bulldozed the building on top of them, piled up a mountain of topsoil, built a huge memorial over the site, and, well, it’s still there. Wherever it is. I don’t remember. They planted forget-me-nots on it.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: That was a wonderful project. Built big, useless rockets. Trained the 500 Space-a-teers for several years, and got to bury them all together. But, that was months ago. Today, we need a new project.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Anyone have any ideas?
Dr. Putin Chainz: Rather than going into space, I’d like to have them dig. I really like seeing a lot of field beasts digging away.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I like to see them digging, too. I like to see field beasts digging holes while others fill them in. That’s what we do with them in my country.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: That won’ fly wiffin ahr fiel’ beasts, Teefertu. Ahr fiel’ beasts lak to thank of themselves as doin’ sompin’ useful. They want’s to “add to the common good”. All y’all gots to do is give ’em the illushun that they’s helpin’.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I didn’t hear anyone object to digging. They seem to like to move lots of dirt and rock.
Dr. Hector Protector: I think we should have them dig a huge canal connecting Baltimore and San Francisco. And, they should dig it by hand! Make it big enough for container ships.
Dr. Vermon Floater: What a wonderful idea! We’ll keep millions of them busy for decades!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Let’s make ’em dig by hand to “protect the environment”.
Dr. Putin Chainz: We’ll empty the prisons. Then, the colleges. We have too many fools wasting time in colleges. They should be digging.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Hector, I think that is the most brilliant idea in the history of the world.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah lak it. Ah reeely do. But, Ah thank that’s all been dun befor’. Rather’n make ’em dig a reg’lar canal, let’s have ’em use whatebber machines they want, ‘n make a straight line dig.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Dick, I do not understand? A straight line dig?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I don’t know what that means? Straight line dig?
Dr. Hector Protector: I understand! Dick thinks they should dig a hole straight through. The earth curves. Dick wants a straight line. Why, when the tunnel got to Kansas, it’d be hundreds of miles deep.
Dr. Vermon Floater: That’s what you mean, Dick? It’s the most incredible project I’ve ever heard of!
Dr. Putin Chainz: It’ll make every other make-work government project in history look absolutely insignificant!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: After this, everything will appear to be useless. A tunnel driven straight through the earth, a perfectly straight line connecting Baltimore and San Francisco. The Straight Line Canal and Tunnel!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: A tunnel ‘n a canal! We’ll want trains, trucks, n’ cars goin’ thru, too.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Hiking trails! Bike paths! A hundred yards wide! Two hundred! Oh, it’s wonderful, Dick! wonderful!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’m glad y’all lak it. Ah figger that it’ll bankrup’ the whole country. Canada, too. ‘N Mexico. Why, we’ll haf to use up ‘mos’ all the money in the worl’ ter pay fer it.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: And when we’re finished, we’ll have have worked millions of field beasts to death, taxed the rest of them into abject poverty, and have something totally useless! Dick, this is the greatest idea in the history of the world!
Dr. Vermon Floater: If there were any money left, we could dig another one from Chicago to London. Why, we’ve made amazing progress!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE WERE IMPRESSED WITH DR. PROTECTOR’S IDEA OF A CROSS-CONTINENTAL CANAL. BUT, WE WERE STUNNED, ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, WHEN DR. DUDEWELL SUGGESTED A STRAIGHT-LINE CANAL BETWEEN BALTIMORE AND SAN FRANCISCO. YOU HAVE REACHED THE HIGHEST POINT OF HUMAN COST AND USELESSNESS IN ALL OF HISTORY! WELL DONE!
WE WILL NEED GOOD, SOUND, SOLID LIES TO JUSTIFY THIS TO THE FOOLS.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Well, you’ve heard what THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE said. Congratulations, Dick. I have never heard them be so complimentary.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Neither have I. Dick, this is historical! If I had a hat, I’d take it off. It’s the best idea in history!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I am honored to be a part of this. In fact, that should be one of the lies we tell the field beasts: “It is an honor for people of our generation to be able to participate in a project of such magnitude.”
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Teefertu, that’s not a lie! I’m confused! This actually is a project so big, so huge, so monumental that, well, I just can’t tell, any more, if we’re a Lie Committee or something more, something great.
Dr. Hector Protector: We need flunkies. Lots of flunkies. We’ll need lots and lots and lots and lots of flunkies! How deep would it be? How hot would it get, down there? Rhonda is right. It’ll take ten thousand smart-flunkies just to figure out what to do with the dirt we take out of the Straight-Line tunnel. It could make a land bridge to England. Or, Africa.
Dr. Vermon Floater: I never thought of that! This might be more than a lie. We’ll probably find gold under there. Silver. Oil.
Dr. Hector Protector: And, it’s going to be complicated. We’ll have to air-condition the whole tunnel. Up until now, all we did was figure out ways to tax and destroy the fools. Now, we may need them.
Dr. Putin Chainz: This is very confusing. We are a lie committee! Now, we have a lie so big that it may be useful.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: As long as the Egyptians were building pyramids, they stayed undefeated. The discipline and engineering skills they developed in maintaining big work crews and moving rocks helped them on the battlefield. Dick, your utterly useless project is so big that it will become a great good.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: It may make America the greatest country in the world! Do we want that?
Dr. Vermon Floater: Not as a rule, but, this is so big, I don’t know what to do!
Dr. Putin Chainz: See what I mean? All of a sudden, we need the fools. We can’t get our giant, cross-continental Straight Line Canal if we torment and tax them to death. What do we do?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah see whachu mean. A’hm about to conclude that iffin y’all do sum’thin’ long enuf, ‘n y’all do sum’thin’ big enuf, it turns out good. Kin that be possible?
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: AT FIRST, WE WERE VERY IMPRESSED WITH YOUR STRAIGHT-LINE CROSS-CONTINENTAL CANAL. IT WOULD BE A WONDERFUL WAY TO PROVIDE THE FOOLS WITH SOMETHING THAT THEY COULD HAVE BEEN CONVINCED WAS USEFUL. AFTER DISCUSSION, WE PREFER THAT YOU WASTE THEIR TIME ON PROJECTS THAT CANNOT BE THOUGHT TO HAVE ANY REDEEMING VALUE AT ALL.
Dr. Vermon Floater: You’ve all heard the news. THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE has decided that we won’t be able to start work on our straight-line, cross-continental tunnel.
Dr. Putin Chainz: And, I think we all know why. If such a project got started, it would require us to mobilize tens of millions of people. We’d have everybody from farmers to engineers working. Someone would have to be in charge.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: That would be a risk! If someone with organizational skills was running things, he’d end up with so much power that he might just take over. Stop all the waste and overspending that our clients have to have and spend it on the Straight Line Canal.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We cain’t stop waste ‘n overspendin’! Wiffout that, our client’s’d go out of bus’ness. We’d be out of bus’ness!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: That’s why we need bigger, more complicated governments that don’t do anything but tax, waste, and overspend. We need more imaginary problems, not huge projects with beginnings, middles, and ends.
Dr. Hector Protector: You are all right. We couldn’t have been more wrong than to suggest a project that would have forced a large segment of society to organize around a single human being who wanted to actually get something done.
Dr. Vermon Floater: It would have been a disaster! Useless agency after useless agency could have been closed, with its personnel reduced to doing “useful work”. Hah! It’s a good thing THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE stopped us.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Who’s idea was this, anyway?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: It was mah idee, Ah’m ‘shamed ter say. Ah was the wun who thought of it, ‘n Ah cain’t tell y’all how sorry Ah am!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: To be truthful, all of us were involved. We got so carried away with the sheer wonder of the idea that, well, it was a good idea in many respects.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Oh, yes. We were all involved. We were all wrong. I think we need to re-examine some of our basic thinking. You know, we must still have some vestigal remains in our minds that there is such a thing as “good” and that “progress” is possible. We were so overwhelmed with the greatness of the idea that we nearly put our whole structure at risk.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Group Confession! We need a Group Confession! We must examine our own faults, and bring them out so the group can see how far we have strayed. We much help each other to serve better.
Dr. Hector Protector: I am guilty. I enthusiastically supported the idea of the straight-line cross-continental tunnel. I wanted to do something I could be proud of accomplishing.
Dr. Vermon Floater: I am even guiltier. As head of this important sub-committee, I should have been alert to the fact that this project might have actually made the world a better, or at least, more interesting place.
Dr. Putin Chainz: My fault is great. I did not see that I might have harmed the entire struture of all governments based on lies and imaginary problems.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Oh, I am wracked with pain and guilt. How could I have been so blind? I know that we must lie, steal, regulate, and harrass. And, I forgot all that in an instant.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah haf ter admit. Thar’ was joy in my heart, yessir, acshual joy, at the thought of workin’ on sech a big projec’.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I, too, participated mentally, and verbally, in support. I hadn’t realized we may have had to throw away all the wonderfully useless agencies and bureaus and replace them with meaningful, measureable goals. How wrong, how very, very wrong I was.
Dr. Hector Protector: There is a flaw, deep in our souls. There is a tendency toward wanting to do something good, something useful. How can we eliminate it? How can we focus clearly and cleanly on wanting only to hurt and destroy?
Dr. Vermon Floater: Maybe we’re being too hard on ourselves. We were, after all, just doing our jobs. We were trying to come up with an excuse to turn millions of people into slaves. Directly controlled slaves, like earlier slave-owners had building pyramids, great walls, and hanging gardens.
Dr. Putin Chainz: That’s right, Vermon. We weren’t all good. There was an element of greed and power, death and slavery in our plan.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: A big element!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Y’all are right! We wuz tryin’ fer mor’ slaves. We wuz tryin’ fer bigger gummit. We wuzzn’t all good. Mebbe jes a l’il bit. Mebbe, not even that.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: In fact, we weren’t good, at all. We are only guilty of not being smart enough! We weren’t smart enough to see that a project this size might allow a leader to emerge.
Dr. Hector Protector: Right you are! I’m so glad we had this Group Confession. What a relief! We were only guilty of not being smart enough to figure out something. That’s no crime!
Dr. Vermon Floater: We should be glad we aren’t that smart. Why, our participation in this problem proves that we are not smart, and that should be a relief to all of us. We are so “not smart” that we should each get a raise!
Dr. Putin Chainz: Thank Baal! If we were smart, we could no longer work for any government. Any agency. If we wanted to do good, we’d be even less fit for government work. I am so glad we’ve all realized that we’re selfish, mean, dumb, and vicious.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I, too, am glad. I cannot explain or describe to you how sick I felt when I thought I had done something good.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Me too, Teefertu. Me, too.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Well, this has been a very helpful session. We do, still, have tendencies to do good. We must be alert for those tendencies.
Dr. Hector Protector: Otherwise, we’ll be where we want everyone else to be. In pain, chains, and, hopefully Hell.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: NORTH AMERICAN CLIENTS ARE CONCERNED THAT EUROPEAN CENTRALIZATION HAS SHUT THEM OUT OF THEIR MARKETS. THEY SAY THAT OUR CLIENTS MAY NOT SHIP PRODUCTS TO EUROPE BECAUSE NORTH AMERICA IS NOT DOING ENOUGH TO FIGHT “CLIMATE CHANGE”. WE NEED A PLAN TO ALLOW OUR CLIENTS ACCESS TO EUROPEAN MARKETS WHILE GETTING OUT GOVERNMENT TO DESTROY ITSELF BY FIGHTING “CLIMATE CHANGE”. WE AWAIT YOUR LIES.
Dr. Vermon Floater: This is difficult, intellectually. We all know that global warming is a vast and complex lie, and one that we must make to seem true. But our clients cannot be hurt.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Can’t we get the Europeans to ignore it a little longer? More fools are swallowing “climate change” every day. More legislators believe in it, too. Pretty soon, it’ll be a done deal.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: They only say they believe in it. Those accursed smart people all know that Global Warming is a tax-hiking lie. They only pretend to go along with it.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Teefertu’s ab’s’lu’ly raht. They know it’s a crock, clear threw. Jes’ a big, fat lie. Iffin they gets mad enuf, they may ‘lect sum pipple who’ll vote again’ it. Then, what happens?
Dr. Rhonda Honda: We had a similar situation at Kyoto Multiversity. It had to do with cheap Chinese chopsticks that were putting Japanese chopstick makers out of business. Well, I guess it wasn’t a similar situation. It bears absolutely no resemblence to it.
Dr. Hector Protector: Rhonda, you must stop that. Here we are, following along with your parallel story about chopstick makers, and, all of a sudden, we have this structure in our brains, and, all of a sudden, it isn’t there, any more.
Dr. Vermon Floater: That’s right, Rhonda. There must be some similarities.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Oh, I just don’t know. I thought there were. The Japanese wouldn’t buy cheap Chinese chopsticks because they had to protect the Japanese chopstick makers. So, they made an excuse and told the Chinese that “Your chopsticks are nice, but they are not clean enough. Your bamboo is grown in dirty ground, so we can’t use them for the sake of our peoples’ health. ”
Dr. Putin Chainz: Rhonda, that is very similar to this problem. We can use the same sort of arguments. Except, instead of keeping chopsticks out of a market, the Europeans are keeping everything from coke to computers out.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Because none of them are clean?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah got me a good idee! Le’s invent a noo defynishun of “clean”. Le’s tell the fools that “Clean’ means ‘same”. Then, we tell ’em, “Durty’ means ‘diff’rent.” An’thin’ comin’ in frum outside a countree is diff’rent. So, it’s autymati’cly “durty”, until it’s proven otherwise. Y’all know that it’s ‘mpossible to prove that anythin’ at all is truly “good”, so we paralyzes ’em.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Oh, Dick! I just love it when you come up with one of your really big lies! That is beautiful. “Clean means same. Dirty means different.” So, everything that is different is dirty. What a magnificent progress stopper!
Dr. Hector Protector: Rhonda, I share your enthusiasm! This simple redefinition is something that we can use to help bring progress to a screeching halt. All over the world. If one person does something new, he’s done something different, so he’s done something dirty! He’s automatically polluting! Unless it’s proven otherwise.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Anyone, any thing, any process can be stopped! Jailed! Done away with! This is wonderful!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah got a leetle po-eem.
“Anythin’ new ‘n diff’rent’s durty.
We’uns think tha’s downraht purty!”
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Oh, Dick! It’s beautiful! I love it when you make up a huge, world-stopper of a lie, and then put it into a simple poem that anyone can understand. I just love it. Really, I do. You might be the most brilliant and talented man who’s ever lived.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Rhonda, are you and Dr. Dudewell involved outside this committee?
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I help, sometimes, around his ranches. I think he is so-o-o-o creative.
Dr. Hector Protector: I wouldn’t go that far, Rhonda. But, his little poem does sum up a great thought. Well, I wouldn’t say it “summed it up”, but it does make it memorable. And, it is a great thought. Goes right to the brains of those accursed thinkers, and just makes them realize that anything new is worse than completely useless. Dirty, damned smart people. I’d like to get ’em all. Hate ’em.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Now, Hector. This is almost as good as just killing them. It’ll turn all their “thinking” and “inventing” and “doing new things” into uselessness. We can totally destroy any idea that they may have that they are “useful”.
Dr. Vermon Floater: I’d rather use Dick’s great lie as an excuse to fine and arrest them. You know, for “polluting society with ideas and products that are dirty?”
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Yes. New ideas are always dirty. We need to get people with new ideas in jail. First, fine them. Make them sell all their assets. Then, when we’ve gotten everything they own, we can jail them.
Dr. Hector Protector: We’re better off to kill ’em, I tell you! They’re smart. They can escape. They can make weapons and attack us! I’ll tell you, we have to do more than jail them. As long as they’re alive, not one of us is safe. Long term, the only solution is to eliminate smart people.
Dr. Vermon Floater. Hector, relax. You’ve got to focus on our problem. It seems like we’ve only made it worse. Here we are, trying to let our fools sell their goods and services to the fools over there. By making “different” mean “dirty”, we’re saying that our clients’ products will cause pollution. Dick, are you sure you meant for this to happen?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Shor’ am. See, we tells ahr clients the same thin’. Tell ’em “diff’rent is the same as “durty”. Then, they get to stop them Euryopeans frum sendin’ their stuff over here.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Oh, Dick! You are a genius! They’ll be a complete trade stoppage between the world’s richest continents. Unemployment! Over-production! Bloated inventories! Then we get to have treaty negotiations. Both sides will build up huge bribing capacity, and we announce that “Different no longer means dirty if we’ve put our differences behind us.” or some drivel like that.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s raht. Then, the fools’ll think tha’ we’re their frenz.
Dr. Putin Chainz: The bribes! They will flow like the Volga in the Spring.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I think at least one of us should help negotiate.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank mebbe two of us shuld be there.
Dr. Vermon Floater: And, which two did you have in mind, Dick? Not you and Dr. Rhonda Honda, surely?
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: THERE ARE PEOPLE WITHIN THE EUROPEAN COMMUNITY WHO WANT TO SEE THE UNION DESTROYED. WE MAY HAVE TO DECLARE WAR ON ALL THOSE WHO WANT TO SECEDE. WE NEED YOU TO DEVELOP JUSTIFICATIONS FOR WHATEVER RESPONSE WE THINK NECESSARY.
Dr. Vermon Floater: What a welcome assignment! We have been monitoring web sites, and the number of uppity Europeans is growing rapidly.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Too bad we can’t send them to Siberia. That’s where uppity Europeans belong, and that’s where they ought to go.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: That’s exactly the place for them! Worst thing that ever happened was losing the world’s biggest prison camp.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah know tha’s raht! Even in Texas, why, iffin sumbody was makin’ trubble, Ah mean a LOT o’ trubble, we’d deeport ’em to Mexico ‘n frum there, they’d get whisked to Siberia ‘ freeze to death. We miss it!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: It would be so much easier to send them to Siberia from Europe. Just put ’em in cattle cars, and “move ’em out”, as we say in Texas.
Dr. Hector Protector: “As we say in Texas.”? I know Dick’s from Texas, but I didn’t know you were, Rhonda.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Well, I’m not, really, but Dick and I rode horseback on one of his ranches, and, well, I feel like a Texan.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Did you get to meet any of the many Mrs. Dudewells?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We didn’ run inter any, Vermon, but there shore is a passel of ’em.
Dr. Hector Protector: I don’t know about the rest of you, but we should really be thinking about ways to get this handful of freedom-seeking Europeans under control. Maybe we could get away from the many Mrs. Dudewells and get down to business?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Now, Hect’r, don’ get all h’et up ’bout it. Ah alreddy got us a reel gud lie. We jus’ tells the uppity Europeeyans that “One landmass, one people.” They won’ know how ter argue wit dat.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Dick, you’ve come up with another brilliant idea. It makes so little sense that no one will be able to understand it, and it sounds so amazingly plausible, all at the same time. I think it’s wonderful!
Dr. Vermon Floater: Rhonda, if I may speak frankly, I think you’d say that anything Dick came up with was brilliant.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I think so, too. I think the two of them are establishing a “close personal relationship”, and that’s against the rules.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Dick, is that true?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘Course not! We rode ‘roun’ some of the ranches fer awhile, but we wuz workin’ on Official Lies.
Dr. Hector Protector: Not lies for the many Mrs. Dudewells? Dick, some of us were wondering just how many ex-Mrs. Dudewells there are?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah wonner iffin the ones who was wunderin’ ’bout that was discussin’ it within “close personal relationships’?
Dr. Hector Protector: Touche’ , Dick!
Dr. Vermon Floater: Enough of this chit-chat. “One landmass, one people.” I do like it. It has a positive sort of meaningfulness about it. It makes just as much sense the other way around. “One people, one landmass.”
Dr. Putin Chainz: It is a start. There are still many older people in those countries who remember what it was like to be semi-free. The ones who remember freedom are dying off. One of the advantages of socialized health care is being able to withhold medicine and services so we can, for just one instance, let Altzheimer’s and dementia help memories of freedom die off faster than ever. But, we still need some more reasons why they should enjoy subordinating themselves to the European Union.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: What if we chose the head of the European Union with a lottery? Tell the fools that “You could be the Prime Minister for a year.” They’ll buy into that as fast as they’ll purchase lottery tickets.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We don’ wan’ that! Iffin we chose leaders by lott’ry, we might get one that was smart. Worse’n that, we might get one that was honest!”
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I’m horrified! Dick, if you hadn’t been so far-sighted, we might have submitted a lie that, if it had been accepted, would have subjected all of Europe to the awful indignity of being ruled by an honest, intelligent man!
Dr. Hector Protector: Really, Teefertu! That was the worst idea I’ve ever heard! Your idea would have made it possible for an honest, intelligent white male to be supervising The European Lie Committees! How could we survive the indignity? How could any bureaucracy survive an honest leader!
Dr. Putin Chainz: Don’t spill your vodka! Teefertu and I have talked about this. Of course, the lottery would be fixed. Only someone like us could win. And, if, by some remote chance, an honest, intelligent person were selected, we’d just have him assassinated if he couldn’t be bribed.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’m grateful to y’all fer ‘splainin’, Putin. Ah wuz wurried ’bout some honest, smart guy gettin’ in ‘n gettin’ rid of us. Mebbe, send us to Siberia.
Dr. Hector Protector: I am relieved, as well, Teefertu and Putin. I took your words at face value, and didn’t realize that you hated and feared the idea of honest, intelligent leadership as much as the rest of us.
Dr. Putin Chainz: I am from Russia! Do you think we have had an honest leader since the Czar? I would die before I would let that happen. Or, to be honest, I would say that I would die before I would let that happen.
Dr. Vermon Floater: So, we submit two lies to THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE. One lie explores the philosophy of “One landmass, one people; one people, one landmass.” The other investigates getting all the fools on board by making them think that a carefully rigged lottery would provide the kind of fair-minded leadership they could support.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Let’s call it “The common man for the common market.”
Dr. Putin Chainz: Common man? “Common leader” would be better.
Dr. Vermon Floater: I like that! “One leader for one people from one landmass.”
Dr. Putin Chainz: What about the British? Last time I looked, they were on an island.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: We can fix that. Let’s just fill in part of the English Channel. That’ll get ’em all technically in one landmass.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’d dike it. Build a pair uv dikes, ‘n pump the water out frum ‘tween ’em. That, r’grett’bly, ‘ud be a lot cheaper than fillin’ in a lan’ bridge, but it’d be faster. In time fer the nex’ ‘leckshun.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Rhonda, that’s a perfect lie for the fools. They’ll talk about it among themselves and imagine how they’e “fix” things if their name were drawn.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Just like they do with the lotteries! Every time they buy a ticket, the mindless fools imagine how they’re going to spend the winnings they’ll never have!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank tha’s all the lyin’ we need to be doin’! This job is done!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: It’s been a hard day. I’d like to go for a ride.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah gets Ol’ Paint!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: ALL OF US LOVE YOUR LIES! WE WILL BEGIN SETTING UP A LANDMASS LEADER LOTTERY TO SELECT THE LANDMASS LEADER. BIDS WILL BE LET FOR A SET OF DIKES TO CONNECT THE BRITISH ISLES WITH WHAT WE WILL NOW SPEAK AND WRITE OF AS “LANDMASS EUROPE”.
Dr. Vermon Floater: I may be a little late to realize this, but we don’t want people thinking this campaign is pro-Catholic.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Why would they think that?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I think I understand. “Landmass Europe” has the syllable “mass” in it. You know, like the Catholic’s “Mass”. Some religious groups may protest.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s fine iffin they do. It’ll give us an ‘purtunity ter tell ’em that they’re “par’noid”. Ah lak doin’ that ever’ time we kin.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Dick is right. It’s fun to tell them how crazy and incompetent they are. We could title the campaign “One people, one landmass. One landmass, one people.” and sub-title it, “Many aspirations.”
Dr. Hector Protector: Now, that’s a great lie! “Many aspirations.” I whole-heartedly approve. What about adding, “Many joys.”
Dr. Vermon Floater: “Many taxes.” is what the fools are going to get. Let’s add “Many opportunities to serve.”, just to let ’em know what’s coming.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Wonderful! Let the bastards “serve” until they drop!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: That should sum it up. If we make it too long, they’ll forget what’s going on.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: They’ll ferget, anyway. We’ll need billboards of The Leader put up ever’where. Ah lak the way they do it in North Koreeah.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Oh, Dick, what a perfect analogy. But, whose picture will be on all the billboards?
Dr. Hector Protector: Rhonda, I’m surprised that you didn’t suggest Dr. Dudewell for the honor. I think we should have someone like Idi Amin win. He’ll be on billboards all over Europe. Call it “A new leader for an old landmass.”
Dr. Vermon Floater: I have a modest suggestion. Let’s put up billboards of “A new leader for an old landmass.” and mount car-cams on the roads going by. They’ll take pictures of every vehicle’s license plate that goes by, and we’ll bill their Euro-card directly.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Dr. Floater, I now understand better than ever why you have been selected head of this Lie Committee. Your idea is brilliant. They can’t object, or they will be insulting the New Leader. We’ll put his picture everywhere!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Dr. Floater, you have solved every taxation problem that we will ever have. What you are suggesting, in the broadest view, is the Taxation of Movement. Every person will be required to have a Euro-card, and every person will be debited every time he passes every billboard of The New Leader. And, we will have many pictures of The New Leader.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wha’s a “Euro-card?”
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I never heard of that, either. Have you had meetings that excluded me and Dr. Dudewell?
Dr. Hector Protector: The other day, when you and Dick were out riding, we were called by THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE. They “unofficially” asked us to do a few preliminary lies to justify the new Euro-card. It’s the one credit card that must be used and accepted by the One People in the One Landmass.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah shore do wish you’d keep us informed of wha’s goin’ on, here. Besides, we wuzn’t jus’ ridin’ ‘roun’. We went to mah ol’ hometown of Dudewellville to see how the Dudewell Foundation’s collective terlets was wurkin’. Y’all’ll be reel glad ter know they wuzn’t.
Dr. Vermon Floater: My apologies to both you and Dr. Honda. It wasn’t much of a lie, just coming up with the name “Euro-card”. That’s all the farther we’ve gotten with it. We’d be glad of any suggestions.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Why should it be a card? Why not an implanted chip? When we wanted to give illegal immigrants some taxpayer money, we’d deposit into their account. A little bell we’d implanted in their ears would ring.
Dr. Hector Protector: That’s a wonderful idea!
Dr. Vermon Floater: It is! When we made withdrawals, like when we’d need some money, we’d ding them again. Different tone.
Dr. Putin Chainz: We should not tell them when we make deposits and withdrawals so they’ll never know how much they have. Keep them confused!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: When they run out of money, we can take their property! Put them in jail! For a long, long time. Showing dispespect to The Leader should be a Class I felony.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’d lak ter turn ’em into human credit cards. Each of ’em’ll have chips that’ll let us make deductions frum their account any time we want.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Dick, that’s absolutely ingenious! Human credit cards! We can make withdrawals when we need them, and the only way they’ll be able to get improper deductions taken care of will be to travel to to a Central Location. Let’s put it in Kansas City, or somewhere like that. Maybe, Manitoba.
Dr. Hector Protector: Just be sure that people who live in Kansas City or Manitoba will have to go to Sacramento for their bookkeeping problems. Wouldn’t be fair to inconvenience three hundred million people while a few hundred thousand were barely inconvenienced at all.
Dr. Vermon Floater: So, we turn each field beast into a human credit card. We make both deposits and withdrawals. Every day that goes by, we take as much from them and give as much to them as we want.
Dr. Putin Chainz: I love it! It is just what Lenin would have wanted. Fairness for everyone.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: It is a brilliant concept! Reduce them to binary code compilations. Hah! Some of them thought they were going to be turned into numbers. They should be so lucky!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah don’ know jus’ how we’s gonna get the chips in ’em.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Just line ’em up, and stick ’em in. Make the chip insertion process as painful as possible, and as obvious as possible. Make the chips as big and ugly as we can. Big as pocket calculators. Bolt ’em to their foreheads!
Dr. Hector Protector: Rhonda, you’ve never had such a great idea! Few people have. What if the bolts went through, and damaged their brains?
Dr. Rhonda Honda and Dr. Dick Dudewell in chorus: All the better!
Dr. Vermon Floater: We’ll have to see what THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE thinks about it. While I, personally, think it’s brilliant, they’re sometimes nervous about moving too quickly to total domination.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Total domination! Those pathetic fools can’t even begin to guess what we have in mind for them!
Dr. Vermon Floater: Rhonda, let’s go back to your idea of bolting attachments to their foreheads. I like that!
Dr. Putin Chainz: Me, too!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I think we should see if there are other things that we could attach to them?
Dr. Hector Protector: You know those little spools of paper on adding machines? We could attach a desk calculator with a spool of paper to their foreheads. That way, we could send them messages.
Dr. Vermon Floater: We could tell ’em what to do whenever we want. Make ’em write back by typing on a little keyboard on their forehead.
Dr. Putin Chainz: The more important they are, the smaller the calculator bolted to their head! People like us wouldn’t have any at all.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: They would have to replace the rolls of paper at Central Locations. If they were out in the rain, the spool would be ruined. Too bad, another trip to a Central Location.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘N the Central Locashun could charge ’em jus’ fer bein’ there.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Charge ’em for being anywhere! How wonderful! Remember, Dick, we can make deductions any time, any place. They can’t hide, unless they’re down in a mine shaft.
Dr. Hector Protector: That might be a problem. We have a million cell towers on every hill that were designed to be adapted for such an eventuality. What if they burrow? Tunnel? You know, like troglodytes.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah guess we’d haf ter git sum smart flunkies ‘n build sum ground towers. Ah guess all we’d need ter do is built a tower pointin’ down, ‘stead of up.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Oh, Dick, what a totally brilliant idea!
Dr. Vermon Floater: Is there anything else that we can bolt onto their skulls?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: The Medical Lie Committee figgers that all the fiel’ beasts shuld be wearin’ pertective helmets all the time.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: We could bolt the helmets to their heads! That way, they’d always be safe.
Dr. Hector Protector: That’s a great idea! Each helmet could have inserts for special purposes. But, all of them would have the Euro-Card permanently attached.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Make ’em get recharged at special sockets on the ground in front of ever’ statue of the leader. They’d have to bow down ever’ time they needed a li’l electricity!
Dr. Vermon Floater: I like that, Dick, but let’s try to stop being so parochial. We need to think in terms of “World Cards”. By the time we’re done, every single human being on earth will have a huge, cumbersome, frighteningly ugly chip the size of a desk calculator bolted to their heads.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Good thinking, Vermon. If we don’t set our sights on the whole world, we’ll be leaving little remnants of freer people who could rise up and cause trouble. A lot of trouble!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Not really. Each “World Card” would be able to broadcast every word that each field beast spoke to a Central Location. As soon as we got word that a field beast was going to make trouble, we could pick him up.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Why? Ah thank we oughten ter jus’ put a receiver in each of their huge “brain packs”, ‘n iffin it looked lak wun of ’em was gonna make trubble, we’d just send a few t’ousand volts raht inter their tiny brain.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Dick, I don’t think I understand what you’re getting at?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: When pipple thinks, they got a measurable electrical charge somewhar’ in their brains. When they’s mad, we’d know it iffin we had a “charge locator” bolted to ’em. Iffin they was thinkin’ any negative thoughts, we’d know as soon as they thunk ’em.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Dick, you are a genius! While the rest of us were only trying to keep track of where the dirty pigs were at any given time, you have a way to know what they’re thinking! Punish them immediately for bad thinking. To direct their movements. To kill them, if we feel we need to, any time we want! At the push of a button!
Dr. Hector Protector: Rhonda, I did not realize that possibility. Why, it would be like sending a blast from a taser right into their brain! They’d drop like flies! Dick, you are more than a genius. You are a miracle worker!
Dr. Vermon Floater: We don’t have to kill ’em. Just burn out some of their brains in case we needed ’em to work. Hector’s right, Dick. You have come up with a totally new way to control them! Let’s call ’em
“Electro-botomies!”
Dr. Putin Chainz: You know, we won’t need as many Supervisor-Flunkies with taser-capable Brain Packs bolted right onto their thick skulls. We could demote them to field beasts, too, and put their salaries in our pockets!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I like that! We’ve got way to keep flunkies from getting uppity. Why, just the other day, I told one of the guard-flunkies to wash and wax my car, and he wouldn’t do it. Said he was a “guard”, and couldn’t leave his post. If Dr. Dudewell’s magnificent idea were in place, he could be washing and waxing my car, right now. We turn all the Gurad-Flunkies into our own personal care-givers!
Dr. Vermon Floater: I hate an uppity flunkie!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah figgers we culd wire straight into diff’rent parts of their brains. You know, speed ’em up, slow ’em down. Make ’em sleep any time we wanted. Make ’em not feel hongry. Make ’em feel happy. All at the push of a button!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Dick, you’ve done it again! You have brought us to the very edge of total domination! You’re like Columbus, finding a whole new world! How do you come up with these amazing ideas?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Jus’ lucky, Ah reckon.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: “Jus’ lucky”, indeed! Dick, you are one of the great geniuses of all time! You have brought us to the edge of Direct Control!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WHILE WE CANNOT ENDORSE MOVING TOO QUICKLY INTO DIRECT CONTROL, IT MUST BE CONSIDERED. OUR CLIENTS WILL OPPOSE THIS BECAUSE IT WILL REDUCE THEIR INCOME. BUT, IF OUR CLIENTS HAVE TASER-RECEIVING “BRAIN PACKS” BOLTED ONTO THEIR HEADS, TOO, WHAT CAN THEY DO TO STOP US? YOU ARE TO PROCEED IN GREATEST SECRECY. DR. DUDEWELL, YOU MUST NOT BREATHE ONE WORD OF THIS TO THE OTHER LIE COMMITTEES.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Mah lips ahr sealed! Ah ain’ tellin’ nobody nuffin’! Ah kin guarantee that!
Dr. Vermon Floater: You heard THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE. None of us can tell anyone what we may be doing.
Dr. Putin Chainz: I agree. If any of the others found out what we were doing, you all know what they’d think.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: They’d think we thought that we were better than they were?
Dr. Hector Protector: No, you silly ass. They’d think we were just waiting for the opportunity to get a taser-receiving Brain Pack bolted to their heads.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I can hardly wait! I just hate some of those other Lie Committee people. That Dr. Frances Foopahstan thinks she’s so much better, just because she owns all those Surrogate Doctors that do her operations all over the world, making her ten or twenty million dollars every month.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah didn’ know it was that much that she was makin’?
Dr. Rhonda Honda; Oh, yes. And she never passes up a chance to rub it in.
Dr. Vermon Floater: By the time we’re finished with Dr. Frances Foopahstan, she’ll be flat broke with a taser-capable Brain Pack bolted to her forehead and aimed right at her forelobes.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I just hope I can get my hands on her remote control! I’ll fix her! I’ll teach her to brag about her money! About her free plastic surgery! I’ll have her turned into a quivering mass of yelping helplessness! I’ll fix that dirty . . .
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Now, now, Rhonda. Ah wuldn’t wurry so much ’bout Frances. Y’all ahr twice the woman she’ll ever be.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Oh, Dick, do you think so?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah do. Ah knows so. Rhonda, Ah don’ person’ly care what y’all wants ter do ter Frances, but she ain’ worf it.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Could we get back to work?
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: FIRST OF ALL, PLEASE DENOTE THE COLOR CHANGE. WE ARE NOW PROCLAIMING OURSELVES TO BE PUBLICLY PINK. THAT MEANS WE ARE ACTUALLY AS RED AS RED CAN BE, BUT DON’T WISH TO ALARM THE FIELD BEASTS. OUR LEADER WONDERS IF THE HUGE, BOLT-ON TASER RECEIVERS COULD BE USED FOR DIRECT TAXATION.
Dr. Vermon Floater: That is a totally brilliant idea! Only our Leader could have come up with such a magnificent breakthrough.
Dr. Putin Chainz: I agree! If we could tax the fools directly, we wouldn’t need to pretend that all those useless bureaucrats were needed. We could turn them into field beasts and put their obscene salaries in our own pockets.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Frankly, I did not know that there was a Leader. I only thought there was an EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE. I am glad to know that there is a person in charge, and only wish to serve him.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: How do you know it’s a “him”, Teefertu?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Now, Rhonda, don’ go insultin’ Teefertu. He’s “kulchurally deprived”, comin’, as he does, frum a soci’ty that demeans ‘n degrades wimmin.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I know that Dick, but you think he’d have learned by now.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: My apologies for being such a slow learner. Our Leader could be a man, a woman, or something in between. Now, I realize that it is very possible, and possibly very desirable, that our Leader could be a higher primate. Or, a lower primate. Or, any kind of mammal. Or other species. Maybe, our leader is a plant. See, I am learning.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I’m glad you’re finally catching on, Teefertu.
Dr. Hector Protector: Rhonda, if you’re finished bringing Teefertu up to the desired degree of civilization, I think it’s time we got to work. We cannot serve our Leader if we do not follow, uh, the commands.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: “His” commands”? Isn’t that what you were going to say?
Dr. Hector Protector: We do not serve by criticizing each other. The Leader has requested specific lies that we can use to tax the field beasts directly.
Dr. Vermon Floater: So, let’s get busy.
Dr. Putin Chainz: We now realize that we can tax them every time they walk by a statue or picture of The Leader.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: We should tax them more when they walk by a statue of The Leader than when they walk by a painting or poster.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’ makes some sense, Teefertu. But, wha’ iffin it’s a paintin’ tha’s a masterpiece n’ the statue is sum’thin’ sum kids made outen clay in kindergarten? Ah thank it’d be lots simp’ler jus’ to tax ’em any time they pass by any repr’sentashun of The Leader.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: As usual, Dick is right. No point in complicating things. We could just double the amount we debit the fools who pass by any of The Leader’s pictures, posters, or statues on his birthday.
Dr. Hector Protector: That’s good! They should pay more on meaningful days!
Dr. Vermon Floater: Odd-numbered days are always meaningful. Even-numbered days may be meaningful enough to justify taxation if they precede or follow an odd-numbered day.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Brilliant, Vermon!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: We are forgetting that all the field beasts will have huge, taser-receiving brain-packs bolted to their ugly foreheads. We will know every time they move, every time their heart beats, every time they breathe. Let’s tax them for every breath they take!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Teefertu, we’s been wantin’ ter tax ’em fer breathin’ since Babylon. Y’all has figgered it out! Congratulashuns!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I’m impressed, too, Teefertu!
Dr. Hector Protector: And, if they don’t pay, we send a signal to their bolt-on brain-pack that paralyzes their chest muscles, so they can’t breathe!
Dr. Putin Chainz: And, they’ll die wherever they are! Gasping to death right in front of everyone! No one must be allowed to help them. They must keep on doing what they were doing, knowing that sure and certain death will be visited upon them, as well, if they don’t have enough credits to pay their bill for breathing!
Dr. Vermon Floater: I would like to consider a heart tax. We would know how frequently their hearts would beat. Maybe, a little tax for each constriction.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: What about their livers? I would love to tax their livers. But, how would we know if their liver was working? Who knows what it does? And, what would happen if they had their liver removed so that they wouldn’t have to pay taxes on it?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Mah goodness, Teefertu, Ah nebber thought of that. What iffin they replaced their heart wiffin a pacemaker and their liver wiffin, oh, I don’t know, sum kind of liver r’placement. How would we tax ’em?
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Dick, we’d just have the congressoids pass a law that said “Replacing any taxable organ function with a mechanical substitute requires double taxation due to the ‘de-humanizing’ nature of the replacement.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Rhonda, you is as smart as you is beeyutifull! Tha’s a wonnerful idea!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Oh, Dick! Thank you!
Dr. Hector Protector: If you two keep that up, I think I’m going to be sick.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Iffin you gets sick, then you oughten ter be taxed higher.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Dick, that’s a good idea! Since a sick field beast costs more to maintain, then we should tax them for being sick.
Dr. Putin Chainz: We sould tax ’em for not being sick, too. They can work, and if they can work, they should be taxed twice as much.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: This is a grave moral dilemma. Should we tax those who cannot work more than those who can? The sick are harder to take care of. They waste food and shelter.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah think that iffin they is so sick that they is wastin’ val’able natchural resources, then they oughten ter be allowed ter go on bein’ sick.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Dick, are you suggesting . . .
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Yup. Ah think they oughten ter be put ter better use.
Dr. Hector Protector: Kill the sick?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Not all of ’em. Jus’ iffin they’s reely sick.
Dr. Vermon Floater: We need some smart flunkies to calculate out how many taxes some disease, say, appendicitis, would cost, how long the field beast would live after an operation, and how many taxes it could pay. Then, we’d know.
Dr. Putin Chainz: That’s what we need. Just a simple calculation would tell us who was worthy of medical treatment. As for the rest of them, well, think of the money we’d save.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Money that could be partly used to augment our paltry salaries.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: MONEY SAVED BY THE REMOVAL OF LESS PRODUCTIVE FIELD BEASTS IS AUTOMATICALLY DEPOSITED INTO THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE BUDGET AND USED FOR RESEARCH.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: (whispers to Dr. Rhonda Honda) Ah bet it’s used fer reeseerch! Ah bet the onlee reeseerch it does is on whar’ ter go on vacashun!)
Dr. Rhonda Honda: (whispers back to Dr. Dick Dudewell) Shhhh, Dick. They may hear you.
Dr. Vermon Floater: I’ve been thinking about the big, taser-receiving packs we’re going to bolt on their heads. Is there anything besides directing taser shocks straight into their brains that we could use them for?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’d lak ter use ’em fer a “blink tax”.
Dr. Putin Chainz: “Blink tax”? What’s that?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I have never heard of a “blink tax”.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah nebber heerd of it, neither. But, iffin they blink, that means they’s lookin’ at stuff. Iffin they’s lookin at stuff, they ou’ten ter be payin’ fer the privilege. So, ever’ time a field beast blinks, we tax it.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Oh, Dick! That’s wonderful! It’s fantastic! It’s the best lie I ever heard! You’ve done it, again! Call it a “blinkometer”.
Dr. Hector Protector: I must agree with Dr. Honda. Dick, taxing the bastards for blinking will be simple. Let’s take a little camera, attach it to their forehead pack, and we can automatically withdraw from their account.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Take a big camera! Why make things easy for them? Let’s bolt a two pound camera to their forehead pack! Have it stick out in front of them a couple of feet and point back at them so we can monitor blinking and facial expressions.
Dr. Vermon Floater: This might be the best think ever invented! Why, the bastards must blink thousands of times a day! We’ll charge ’em what, a penny a blink?
Dr. Hector Protector: And, if they look happy, we can give them a jolt with the taser! If they snigger at Our Leader, two jolts!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: And, a big, stiff fine!
Dr. Putin Chainz: Bankrupt them all!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I have thought of something! They blink with both eyes! We should tax them double!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah nebber tho’t of that, Teefertu. Tha’s a mitey fine idee! Tax ’em fer each eye!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE ARE LOSING GROUND AGAINST THE FOOLS. THEY JUST STOPPED OUR CONGRESSOIDS FROM ALLOWING FREE IMMIGRATION, OPEN BORDERS, AND AUTOMATIC CITIZENSHIP. WE NEED LIES!
Dr. Vermon Floater: We certainly do!
Dr. Putin Chainz: We have to get rid of talk radio.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: And, we have to get rid of the internet. There are people there who are telling the truth about things. We can’t have that.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: They Yuropeeanns is ‘way ‘head of us! They don’ let noboddy say nuttin’ ’bout an’thin’ havin’ ter do wif taxes er regulashuns.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I took a course in “Commications Control” at Kyoto Multiversity. The lies we need are simple. First, the talk radio and internet people are all real smart. Dumb people don’t have a chance.
Dr. Hector Protector: That’s terrible! Dumb people should have as much chance to be heard as smart people. More chances, since there are more of them.
Dr. Vermon Floater: That’s a good approach. Let’s give ’em IQ tests, and demand “Fairness!”
Dr. Putin Chainz: Great phrase. “Fairness!” can be twisted to mean anything!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: In this case, it will mean that outright morons will control communications.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Jus’ lak it used ter be!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: We’ll test everyone in the country. Make ’em tattoo their IQs on their foreheads. Any time a high-IQer talks, we’ll be able to shut him up when he’s out of time.
Dr. Hector Protector: “Him”?
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Or, her. Or, it. We just have to keep those smart people quiet.
Dr. Vermon Floater: I’d like to super-glue two or three taser-receivers to each of ’em. Anytime some smart person talks, they get zapped.
Dr. Putin Chainz: What a wonderful idea! It’s better than Siberia! They’re still around to work, but they can’t make any trouble.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Well, they could still type on their computers.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Wiffin Vermon’s great idea, we could zap ’em fer typin’, too. ‘N tax ’em, too, wiffin an automatic deduction frum their account. Let’s call it a “Zap-tax”, ‘n kill two birds wiffin one stone.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: We could zap-tax them for sleeping. We could zap-tax them for anything! Make them hurt and tax them at the same time! Dick, that’s your best idea, ever!
Dr. Hector Protector: We could zap-tax them when they weren’t working! We could zap-tax ’em any time we wanted! No matter what they were doing. Or weren’t doing.
Dr. Vermon Floater: We could zap-tax ’em just for the fun of it.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Random zap-tax! Lets get ’em all fixed up with taser receivers, and fix it so that a random number generator would keep ’em all in a state of perpetual fright.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: And, we could sell them “zap-free permits”. They’d pay hundreds! Thousands!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Let’s sell ’em on a gradyated scale. Bill Gates’s pay a billyun dollars not to get zapped. The lady at the Mini-Mart, she’d onlee haf ter pay a hunnerd dollars.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Every year?
Dr. Hector Protector: Monthly. Let’s make ’em pay monthly. Keep ’em frum pilin’ up any money in their accounts.
Dr. Vermon Floater: This is progress! We’ll tell ’em it’s “The only way to prevent terrorism.”
Dr. Putin Chainz: From anyone but us! Oh, I can hardly wait. People writhing in agony at all hours of the day or night.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: What about when they’re driving?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: W’al, the fools shuldn’t be ‘lowed to be drivin’ ‘roun, anyway. This’ll be a good excuse to get ’em all on public transportation and cattle cars. How else we gonna “Preevent Terrorism”?
Dr. Rhonda Honda: You’re right, Dick! They shouldn’t be allowed to drive. It’s hard to keep track of them when they’re driving around. Neck-tasers will let us keep real control. Zap ’em when they talk. Zap ’em when they walk. Zap ’em when they balk. Zap ’em, zap ’em, zap’em. Tax ’em, tax ’em, tax ’em!
Dr. Hector Protector: Rhonda, that’s practically poetic. And, it sums up everything we want them to be; under control, suffering, broke, and made to feel overwhelming pain whevever we want.
Dr. Vermon Floater: We should all get special frequency broadcasters. When there was a crowd of ’em, we could zap ’em all! Whole crowds of people, writhing around in agony ‘n bein’ taxed at the same time!
Dr. Putin Chainz: How could things ever be better than that? I feel as if our Lie Committee has made the greatest social progress in history. And, Rhonda, I like your little ditty:
“Zap ’em when they talk,
Zap ’em when they walk,
Zap ’em when they balk.
Zap ’em! Zap ’em! Zap ’em!”
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I like it, too. I just wish I was born with English as my native language so that I could easily make up such beautiful poetry.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah do, too, Teefertu. Iffin you wuz borned here, why, Ah’ll betcha you’da been another Shakespeare.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: It’s not fair. In an ideal world, everyone would have to learn a totally new language.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: You mean, like, Americans would have to learn Chinese and the Chinese would have to learn English?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: No, no. Nothing as simple as that. Everyone should have to learn a new, and very complicated language that we would make up.
Dr. Hector Protector: A new language with very, very few words.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I wasn’t thinking of having words, at all. I’d prefer that the fools just be able to grunt and burp.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: OUR LEADER WONDERS IF YOU HAVE ANY USES FOR THE HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF CELL TOWERS THAT WERE BUILT WHEN PEOPLE WERE ENCOURAGED TO HAVE PERSONAL MEANS OF COMMUNICATION?
Dr. Vermon Floater: We have never discussed that? What do you suppose THE LEADER means?
Dr. Putin Chainz: I don’t know. But, since everything THE LEADER says is significant, this must be important!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: He is telling us something. I just don’t know what.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: If none of you can figure it out, how can I? In my country, we never allowed large numbers of people to communicate with cell phones.
Dr. Hector Protector: I don’t know. Oh, how I wish I did!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thinks Ah knows wha’ he’s gettin’ at. We’s been talkin’ ’bout how we’s gonna taser the field beas’s any time we figger they needs good taserin’.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Yes, but what’s the connection?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah rekkon that he’s suggestin’ we mount giant tasers on all the cell towers. Then, we can zap anybuddy in the line of sight.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Dick, you are right! That’s exactly what he wants us to do! That’s why THE LEADER is THE LEADER!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: With giant tazers mounted on all the cell towers, we could zap anyone who wasn’t actually under the ground.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: We need anti-burrowing legislation! We need it now! The field beasts have to be kept in zappable locations at all times.
Dr. Hector Protector: And, we need laws to keep them from building any kind of shields to protect themselves from having agonizing blasts hit them whenever we think it’s necessary!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We be needin’ ’em to live in b’ld’ngs that don’t have walls any thicker’n a baggie. That way, they’ll nebber be out of range!
Dr. Vermon Floater: Oh, we need a lot of new laws. They can’t be sitting in cars, where the glass and steel might reflect the taser beams.
Dr. Putin Chainz: They must either walk, be on bicycles, or otherwise always be exposed to the pain and punishment they need.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: First, we get some smart flunkies to make little light bulbs, or meters, or something, so that every field beast will hear a loud noise if its out of tazer range.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Then, we’ll just tell the congressoids to pass a law saying that “Citizens are only allowed to be in places where their meter shows that they’re in touch. And, can be touched!
Dr. Hector Protector: That will fix everything!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: THE LEADER is a geenyus! Ah figger THE LEADER is ’bout the smartest person what ever lived! He’s put all those useless cell phone towers back to work, ‘n that gives us lots more control than we eber had. He’s pervided whole new oppurtunitees fer gettin’ the field beas’s in line.
Dr. Vermon Floater: I think we are all agreed. THE LEADER is a genius!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu,
Dr. Hector Protector,
Dr. Dick Dudewell,
Dr. Rhonda Honda,
Dr. Putin Chainz: (In chorus) THE LEADER is a genius!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: A CLIENT REQUESTS THAT WE COME UP WITH A MORE BELIEVABLE WAY TO CERTIFY ELECTIONS. IN ZIMBABWE, FOR INSTANCE, OVER 97% OF PEOPLE VOTED FOR MR. MUGABE. NO ONE BELIEVES THOSE ELECTIONS ARE FREE.
Dr. Vermon Floater: I wondered if any fools noticed how lopsided the election returns are in most of our clients’ countries.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: In my country, the winner always gets all the vote. We say “That means democracy is working.”
Dr. Hector Protector: And, it does mean that. We just have to make sure that everyone else feels the same way.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah don’ unnerstan’, Hector.
Dr. Hector Protector: We have to get the newsspewers to tell people that “In many countries, the people love their leader so much that they all vote for him. Or, her.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah get it. Make ’em think that in ‘reel democracies’, it’s usual for one person to get the entire vote.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I believe that. I think that if THE LEADER ran for office, virtually everyone would vote for him.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Of course they would! I can’t imagine that anyone would even think of running against THE LEADER.
Dr. Vermon Floater: It’s just another kind of “majority rules” kind of thing. The bigger the majority, the more democratic the country!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Oh, that’s wonderful, Vermon. “The bigger the majority, the more democratic the country.” No field beast can argue with that. There’s no way.
Dr. Hector Protector: “The bigger the majority, the more democratic the country really is.” Let’s add on “really is”. I like a well-frosted lie.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah do to. We kin get sum smart flunkies ter come up wiffin sum figgers provin’ to pipple that well-loved leaders frequently get all the votes.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: And, we tell the fools that lop-sided votes are the sign of a “mature electorate”. We let ’em know that when people are happy, they want their leader to be happy, so they all vote for him. It’s part of being “mature people in a mature democracy”.
Dr. Putin Chainz: We tell the field beasts that, in Zimbabwe for instance, or Cuba, that “Happy people in a mature democracy do not want to show signs of disruption, so they think ‘It’s our duty for each of us to vote for the same person.’”
Dr. Vermon Floater: Let’s go a step farther. Let’s tell the fools that “More Americans should make an effort to vote for the same person to show how much they love their neighbors.”
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Are they dumb enough to do that? Elections are the only way they have to get rid of looters and bring in someone who’ll help them.
Dr. Hector Protector: Good people vote for whomever they’re told to vote. That is how it should be!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: It does make their lives easier. No painful thinking, no difficult analysis.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah jus’ cain’t figger out why they bother ter vote a’tall.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: It’s their duty. They love to do their duty, even though it’s utterly meaningless.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Well, it is important to keep them thinking they live in a democracy. Keeps a lot of them quiet. If they complain, people ask “Why don’t you run for office.”, and they do, and they get maybe two or three votes out of every thousand. If they complain again, people say, “Well, no one cares about what you think.”
Dr. Vermon Floater: That’s the beauty of democracy! We get to shut up the malcontents and the complainers. Neutralize all of them. Keeps ’em out of our hair. So, rather than come up with a more believable way to certify elections, we just have the newsspewers repeat over and over again that “Mature voters in mature democracies are frequently unanimous in their voting decisions.”
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: EXCELLENT LYING. THIS WILL BE SO MUCH CHEAPER THAN SENDING OBSERVERS ALL OVER THE WORLD THAT WE’LL SAVE BILLIONS. THEY’LL BE SO RELIEVED THAT WE CAN RAISE THEIR RATES.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: That is quite a compliment!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’ll bet they kin dubble their billin’ rates iffin nobody has ter listen.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE HAVE A NEW ASSIGNMENT. WE NEEDS EXCUSES TO CONTINUE OVERRUNING NORTH AMERICA WITH NEWCOMERA. PLEASE PROVIDE REASONS THAT WILL CONVINCE AMERICANS THAT IS GOOD FOR THEM.
Dr. Vermon Floater: This will be fun! I love to see America destroying itself! We can’t tell the fools that, of course. We have to make their self-destruction seem palatable.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: We can keep on telling them that people have “the right to a better life”.
Dr. Hector Protector: Especially if it makes the lives of Americans worse!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah know that in West Texas, there ain’t hardly any white ‘mericans lef’. They’s all moved out.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Why is that, Dick?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: W’al, Ah’d guess it was ’cause the immigrants was given the right ter move in th’ar houses. They was ‘lowed ter sleep ‘n eat an’whar they wanted. ‘N, they was given the right ter drive any car what warn’t bein’ used.
Dr. Putin Chainz: What a great idea! We should have the congressoids pass Laws to that effect.
Dr. Vermon Floater: No! They tried that in Pennsylvania. Immediately, hundreds, maybe thousands, of illegal immigrants went to one of mansions and demanded a bed and meals.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: So? Why should he complain? They’re really his wife’s mansions. Doesn’t cost him anything.
Dr. Vermon Floater: You know the rule. “No Lie Committee can do anything to hurt a client.”
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: But, the Multi-Mansion People have thousands of empty bedrooms between them. I do not understand why they cannot be used to provide housing for illegal immigrants.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Trust me, Teefertu. If we proposed a lie that would force one of our clients to be inconvenienced, we’ll all be fired.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Forgive me, but Ido not understand. Our clients are all rich, and mostly white. Why can’t they follow the same rules as, for instance, Dr. Dudewell’s neighbors in West Texas?
Dr. Vermon Floater: That’s not how we do it in this country. The richest people are our biggest clients. We need them. They need us. They must never be expected to be treated the same way as poorer Americans.
Dr. Hector Protector: That’s right! No rich leftist must ever even be exposed to the horrifying notion that they, themselves should ever be forced to do what they make the poorer citizens do.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah shuld say not! It’s one thang ter quarter dozens of illegal aliens in some middle-class white person’s house, but that don’ mean we can fill up the empty bedrooms of rich pipple’s mansions wiffin ’em!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I wonder if we could send some to stay at Dr. Frances Foopahstan’s?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Y’all shore don’ like Frances Foopahstan. Mebbe we o’ghten ter send her a coupla dozen of ’em.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Big, fat ones. With communicable diseases!
Dr. Putin Chainz: Please, Rhonda. It’s wrong to use our position to hurt other Lie Committee members. We need a law for the Congressoids. How about, “Newcomers have the legal right to stay in any home owned or rented by a person making less than a million dollars a year.”
Dr. Vermon Floater: We can’t be quite that bold. We have to come up with a reason that won’t needlessly irritate the fools. Most rich people could be given security clearances of some sort. Let’s have the Congressoids pass a law that says “Newcomers have the right to stay in any house whose owners do not have at least a 2-P Security Clearance”.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: What in the h*ll is a 2-P Security Clearance?
Dr. Vermon Floater: It’s a security clearance we can provide to any rich person we want! It requires Federal Troops to protect the property of all Multi-Mansion People.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I want a 2-P Clearance!
Dr. Vermon Floater: We all want one. And, we’ll get ’em. And, we’ll each get a couple for our friends. Soon, half the mansions in the country will have 2-P Security Clearances. The others’ll be crammed full of newcomers! We’ll fix the middle class but good!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Will other Lie Committee people get them?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ahr y’all tryin’ ter keep Dr. Frances Foopahstan frum gettin’ one?
Dr. Vermon Floater: I think we can arrange that.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: THE 2-P SECURITY CLEARANCE IS A FINE LIE. BUT, WE NEED SOME REASONS WE CAN USE TO CONVINCE THEM THAT DESTROYING THE COUNTRY WITH NEWCOMERS IS ‘THE RIGHT THING TO DO’.
Dr. Vermon Floater: That’s a tough one! How do we tell people that they have to house and feed any number of total strangers.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Let’s go back to the Bible so many of them say they believe in. Aren’t they supposed to love their neighbors? What better way than to let total strangers move in and then take care of them?
Dr. Hector Protector: Let’s change the laws. Claim that every person in the world has the right to a bed, clean sheets, three square meals a day, and a vehicle. We accompany that with a law that says any person with more than one of anything has to give up any extras.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: That’s a start. Let’s say that a man and woman have three kids and live in a four bedroom house. What if the kids are away at school? They shouldn’t get to waste those bedrooms. Each empty bedroom could house an entire immigrant family, if they used their bedrooms, kitchens, living rooms, and baths in shifts.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Let’s require the home-owner to cook for the immigrants! Do their laundry! Provide clean sheets! Transportation!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s raht! Ah ‘member, Ah used ter rent each ha’f of my garage to a sep’rate fam’ly. Ah’d get a coupla thouan’ a month frum each family. Sumtimes, thar’d be twenny, thirty pipple livin’ in each ha’f the garage.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Where’d they go to the bathroom?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’d sen’ ’em ter the naybors. That saved me a bundle.
Dr. Hector Protector: Didn’t they complain?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: They did ’til a coupla of ’em got knifed. Then, lots of ’em got tergether ‘n built a comm’nity shower house fer ’em.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Oh, I do like to see a broad-based “Community Effort”. It always makes me feel good to see people working on community improvement without getting paid.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I think we have the beginning of a lie! “Unrestricted Immigration is good because it helps people to learn to work together.”
Dr. Vermon Floater: Rhonda, you are absolutely right! Community Programs are something that The Leader loves!
Dr. Hector Protector: Yes, and with good reason. We can get the dumbest, more incompetent people we can find and put them in charge. Nothing ever gets done very well, but no one can complain.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s the truf! Once’t, in Sludgewater Falls, we had us a “Community Dam Buildin’.” The Deepartment of Aggyculchure was in charge, ‘n they sent the guy that spent fifteen years headin’ up the “food pyramid project” ter organize the pipple ‘n get the dam bilt. Furst time it rained, half the town was washed away. None of the houses were rebuilt, ’cause he discovered some kin’ of crawdaddie, ‘n said the whole exercise benefitted ever’one ’cause it benefitted nachure.
Dr. Putin Chaiz: It is so nice that we never run out of endangered species!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Oh, this Sludgewater Falls is a wonderful example! Let’s not just demand that the dumbest possible person be put in charge, but also, the one with the worst English-speaking ability.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Teefertu, that’s splendid! There’s no reason why smarter, English-speaking people should ever be in any kind of supervisory capacity. It isn’t fair. Let’s find some field beast who’s barely bright enough to grunt when it’s hungry!
Dr. Vermon Floater: Why does it always have to be a person in charge? Do you think people are better than, say, beagles?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah don’ know, Vermon. Ah thank y’all are raht, but the field beasts may not be ready fer that. ‘Sides, we hain’t got all their guns away.
Dr. Hector Protector: I know that! I hate that! One of those filthy white men might shoot the Beagle in Charge. They think they should get to run things ’cause they’re so smart. It isn’t fair!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: THE LEADER FEELS THAT YOUR LIES ARE PERFECT, EXCEPT FOR PUTTING DOGS AND CATS IN CHARGE OF MAJOR PROJECTS. HE FEELS THAT IS TOO EXTREME. HE ALSO WANTS TO KNOW HOW YOU WILL FIND THE DUMBEST, MOST INCOMPETENT PERSON TO TAKE CHARGE OF BUILDING COMMUNITY BATH HOUSES FOR NEWCOMERS?
Dr. Vermon Floater: Don’t we have tests that will select the dumbest person taking the test?
Dr. Rhonda Honda: How do we know that the person who’s the dumbest isn’t actually a smarter person pretending to be dumb?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah ‘member, Ah’ve heerd of that pro’lem comin’ up on other Lie Committees. It’s mitey hard to figger iffin a persun is dumb, ‘er jes’ smart at pretendin’ ter be dum’.
Dr. Hector Protector: We could always get the smartest person to be the one giving the test.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: But, if a smart person was giving the test, he could easily influence the results. Maybe make his family get the very bottom scores so they’d be running the project and getting all the good jobs.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Here we are. Stymied by those accursed smart people, again. If we could just hunt them down and kill them, they wouldn’t be able to interrupt our plans.
Dr. Vermon Floater: But, we’re right back to where we started. If we start out to kill all the smart people, and all of them pretend to be dumb, we end up killing a lot of genuinely dumber people. Why, we’d be worse off than ever.
Dr. Putin Chainz: I hate to start from the beginning again. But, making people take showers in public facilities may be demeaning. Shouldn’t every citizen of the world have a house with enough bathrooms to give them a sense of well-being?
Dr. Rhonda Honda: In principle, yes. Every field beast should have everything that any other field beast has.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: It would be better to take away the private bathrooms that most of the field beasts have, and make them use public bathing.
Dr. Vermon Floater: That’s the fairest way!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: It shore is! Teefertu, that’s a big step furward!
Dr. Hector Protector: How write the law? Do they have to tear down their bathrooms, or what?
Dr. Putin Chainz: That would be fair. But, some of the field beasts have nicer houses than the illegal immigrants. Shouldn’t we tear them down, too?
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Putin, you are right! That would be the fairest way. Why should one person be able to have a nice house while millions of undocumented illegal aliens have to go back to wretched hovels?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We could get that guy what made the Deepartment of Aggiculchure’s Food Pyramid Program ter build lots of dams that’d burst reel quick.
Dr. Vermon Floater: That wouldn’t be fair to people living in lowlands. People on higher ground would still have houses. I think we should have the Gummits form a line of tanks and bulldozers, starting at the water’s edge of one boundary and move to the other.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Just like Sherman marchin’ through Georgia! Flatten ever’ single house, ‘cept’n fer the the ones what belongs ter the Multi-Manshun Pipple. Flatten ever’ house in the whole countree. ‘Ceptin’ fer their manshuns. ‘N ahrs.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Wouldn’t that make a fun movie? Watching those people trying to save their homes and buildings when the Corps comes through! They’ll be poverty-stricken overnight. That’ll teach ’em!
Dr. Putin Chainz: How will we keep the newly homeless from invading the homes of the rich? Some of our approved leaders have several different mansions. How do we make sure that the field beasts don’t break in and start living there?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: We just assign troops to protect them.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Or, they could hire some of the homeless field beasts to keep the others out.
Dr. Hector Protector: I like that! Keep the field beasts turned against each other. Make ’em shoot their neighbors for a place where they can be warm and dry.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah lak that! Mebbe haf’ ter give ’em sum tents ‘er sum’thin’ to live in on the grounds of the manshuns, but that’s the way ter get ‘er done!
Dr. Vermon Floater: Well, as long as the few hundred thousand un-used mansions of our clients are protected. We just have to be sure of that!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: OUR OVERSEAS CLIENTS SENSE AN OPPORTUNITY TO ACCELERATE THE IMPOVERISHMENT OF THE RICHES. THEY NEED IMMEDIATE LIES TO HELP THEIR PREFERRED CANDIDATE BECOME LEADERS.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: What a wonderful opportunity! Why, the right kind of Leader would make people go on sending a trillion dollars a year to their deadliest enemies until the fools are bankrupt.
Dr. Vermon Floater: It’s the best way to destroy America! Why, if those fools and field beasts were allowed to drill their own oil wells, our clients in the middle-east would be shut down!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Oh, how I hate America! If we can get our candidate elected, we can destroy it. Canada, too!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: And, I could bring in the rest of my relatives to get whatever loot is still here!
Dr. Hector Protector: But, how can we get him elected? The field beasts are smart enough to know he’ll sell them out! They know he hates them.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We jes’ gots ter make ’em think he’s on their side. They’ll beeleeve it. They allus do!
Dr. Vermon Floater: This might be more difficult. There’s still a lot of those accursed white people who won’t vote for our candidate.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We don’ need none of them votes. All we need is ter get sum super-delygates ter switch. Won’t be hard.
Dr. Hector Protector: I don’t understand.
Dr. Vermon Floater: I do! Dick, that’s brilliant.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I think I understand.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘N it’s a reel easy lie. They jes’ say, “Fer the sake of the anshunt, proud Tradishuns of our group, we must work hard.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: And, all those super-delegates are elected officials. They have elections they have to win. He doesn’t have to bribe them, just guarantee that his overseas supporters will make big donations! Dick, you’ve come up with something better than lies! Bribery!
Dr. Vermon Floater: But, there are lies, too! We have to come up with all kinds of lies to make the field beasts think that collectively losing trillions of dollars every year to foreign oil producers is somehow good for them! We need lots of lies.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I’ve got one, already! “Multi-cultural sensitivity!” Doesn’t it have a nice sound? “In the interests of ‘multi-cultural sensitivity’, it’s vital that Obama be elected President.”
Dr. Hector Protector: Add to that, “It’s the only way to prove to the world that America has overcome it’s prejudices.”
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: We can’t make white Americans sound too good. After all, they are white, and Americans.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: We’ll jes’ call it a temporary aberration the very minute that the ‘lecshun is over. On January 22, we’ll have the newsspewers take the furst thang that any of ’em does, ‘n say “After their brief spasm of guilt prompted them to put aside their racist hatreds, white America has returned to its prejudiced roots.”
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Oh, I like that! Then, we go back to saying, “And the only way to get rid of those roots is to pull them up and put them on a big fire!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: My goodness! I have to get my relatives over here in time for that! They’ll all want the dead American’s cars and houses!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Better move fas’, Teefertu. Time’s a flyin’.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: You know the first thing we’ll do after we take over? We’ll turn the Americans we leave alive into slaves and make them drill oil wells!
Dr. Vermon Floater: That’s a good one, Teefertu! Make ’em drill the same oil wells we wouldn’t let ’em have when they needed ’em! Hah!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Le’s not be too hastee, here. Le’s make ’em dig the oil wells, ‘stead of drillin’ ’em.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Is that possible?
Dr. Hector Protector: Yes, but they’d have to move an incredible amount of dirt. To drill an oil well a mile deep, the top of the hole would have to be three or four miles wide!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: They’ll be busy, busy, busy! I love the idea of having them dig holes. We just have to buy them some picks and shovels. Or, we could force them to use their hands. Maybe, rocks. No. They might throw the rocks at their overseers. Then, we’d shoot them down like dogs. That would be fun!
Dr. Putin Chainz: Where will they put the dirt? How will they dig through solid rock? How will they get the dirt out of the hole? How will they get the water out of the hole? How will they get the oil out of the hole, fi they get that far?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: They’s jes’ gona haf ter wurk reel hard. Fer their whol’ lives!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: My goodness! They will have to work hard! Well, white Americans have had it so easy, for so long, that it’s their turn. They should all suffer. It’s only fair.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: That’s a good way to put it, Teefertu. And, we’ll tell ’em that “it’s only fair” several hundred times a day.
Dr Hector Protector: “It’s only fair.” How could white people argue with that? It is only fair. All those fat, happy middle-class white people, digging holes a mile deep and miles across! Serves ’em right!
Dr. Vermon Floater: We could pick real good crew leaders and supervisors. Let’s get the most sadistic prisoners out of jail. Give them whips and chains to be sure they meet their dirt-moving quotas. We’ll fix ’em! We’ll fix ’em all!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: What will we do with the oil? And, as Dr. Chainz wanted to know, how will we get the oil out of the holes?
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Have them carry it out in little buckets.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Make ’em bring it up by the mouthful!
Dr. Hector Protector: Where will they put it?
Dr. Vermon Floater: Have them dig storage pits a couple of miles away. They can dump their mouthfuls or buckets of oil in them.
Dr. Putin Chainz: I just realized something! Each oil well will look like a huge, inverted pyramid! We will finally outdo the pharoahs in useless, make-work projects!
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: OUTSTANDING LIES! THE LEADER IS ABSOLUTELY OVERJOYED WITH WHAT YOU HAVE DONE. HE IS ECSTATIC THAT HE WILL BE MORE FAMOUS THAN ANY PHAROAH, AND WANTS TO KNOW HOW SOON YOU CAN GET THEM STARTED ON THEIR “REVERSE PYRAMIDS”? IN ORDER TO BE SURE THAT THIS WONDERFUL LIE IS RECORDED FOR POSTERITY, WE ARE SENDING DR. DONNY DOCCUDRAMA TO YOUR COMMITTEE.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Wow! This is a real honor! All the Lie Committees want Dr. Donny Doccudrama assigned to them! He can get the Ass. Press to send out and print his articles with no editing! He can assign newsmagazine cover subjects and stories to go with them! Dr. Donny Doccudrama gets to decide all the lead stories on all the evening news shows at all the major networks!
Dr. Putin Chainz: Even Fox?
Dr. Vermon Floater: Well, not always, but all the rest do whatever he says. Especially Public Television. Everything they broadcast comes straight from Dr. Donny Doccudrama!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I do not understand. Do you mean that all the news is whatever Dr. Donny Doccudrama says it is?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Yup! He’s ahr main media man! Heck, he kin even tell high schul newspapers what they’s s’posed ter be puttin’ on page one!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Does anyone know anything about him? Is he married? Does he have a family?
Dr. Hector Protector: He marries often. He enjoys planning the weddings, costumes, seating, etc. Every few months, he marries again.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: When do we gets ter meet him?
Dr. Vermon Floater: He’s here, now! Come in, Dr. Doccudrama. It’s an honor to have you serving on our Lie Committee.
Dr. Donny Doccudrama: It’s wonderful to be here! I’ve heard great things about your Committee! It’s the best Lie Committee of all! I’ve heard great things about each one of you! You are great liars! Truly great! The best liars in all of history! Tell me all about your “Reverse Pyramids”!
Dr. Putin Chainz: Well, we were trying to come up with new ways to make the fools more miserable, and thought they should be digging holes. It’s cheap, doesn’t require a lot of equipment, and makes them more miserable than anything else, on a cost-adjusted basis.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: And, it’s fun to watch them! Others can see TV shows and movies about the project, and realize how vital it is.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Better’n that, thay is all goin’ ter realize that they don’ want ter be dragooned inter wurkin’ on the projec’. Helps keep ’em in line ’til we gets a “reverse pyramid” reddy fer ’em to start.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I think we should start the first work crew with prisoners. Then, have random drawings of white people social security numbers, and assign them to the crews one or two at a time. That way, they’ll have a chance to get adjusted.
Dr. Hector Protector: Great idea, Rhonda! Their readjustment will be fun to observe.
Dr. Donny Doccudrama: Great! Great! Great ideas! We’ll film the whole thing! Every step of the way! Who thought of this? I’ve got to know!
Dr. Vermon Floater: Well, we all sort of thought of it, but it was Dr. Putin Chainz who made the brilliant breakthrough of seeing that the new, hand-dug oil wells were actually “Reverse Pyramids”.
Dr. Donny Doccudrama: Brilliant! Brilliant! Sheer genius! We’ll want to get you in the film and TV spots! Not you, of course, don’t quite look the part we need!
Dr. Putin Chainz: Who will you use to act my part?
Dr. Donny Doccudrama: A clone! A drawing! An animation! We’ll draw up something that looks halfway between Charlton Heston, Mohammed Ali, and Thomas Edison! Heroic minority inventor, that’s you! Servant of the people! That’s you! Make you sort a perfect merge between black, oriental, and whatever else we can think of, as long as its not white. Rule number one, can’t have any white people looking smart! Rule number two, can’t have any smart people looking white! You’ll be famous! Famous! Famous! You’ll just look different! That’s all!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Will we all be appearing with Dr. Chainz?
Dr. Donny Doccudrama: Sure! We’ll film some of your meetings! Replace you with animations! Change your names and faces to reflect the D.E.! Desired Ethnicity! We’ll fix up everything!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah kin hardly wait ter see it.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Me, too! It’s really going to be spectacular.
Dr. Hector Protector: I hate to bring it up, but shouldn’t we decide where to dig the hole? Get some smart flunkies to get things organized?
Dr. Donny Doccudrama: Yes! Yes! Do all those things and more! Listen, I have to leave. Doing a movie about The Leader’s new puppy! “Friend to humanity, friend to animals, as well”! Be back! Be back real soon! Soon as you tell me where the cameras go! Pick somewhere nice! Warm! Photogenic! We’ll all be spending a lot of time there! Good-bye! So long! See you soon!
Dr. Vermon Floater: So, that’s Dr. Donny Doccudrama! He just exudes excitement! Why, I’m convinced that this is the greatest single project we’ve ever had.
Dr. Putin Chainz: You heard Dr. Doccudrama. It’s the greatest project in the history of the world!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Oh, how far we’ve come. How far I’ve come. This is the most exciting day of my life! I wonder what my animation will look like?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah wonner what all of us’ll look lak. Ah jes’ hopes my ex-wives don’ find out ’bout this. They’ll all want more alleymoney.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: What heartless creatures they must be! Don’t they have the heart to see what a great man you are? Can they only see dollar signs?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah’s tried ter ‘splain it to ’em, but they’s too hard-harted ter care.
Dr. Hector Protector: I think we’d better get to work. We need smart flunkies, and we need them now. We want the first “reverse pyramids” to look good. We’ll have to find the right place to get them started digging.
Dr. Vermon Floater: That’s right! It’s got to look good for the movie. By the time we get all these oil wells dug, it’ll look like a huge, ten mile high giant walked across the country wearing golf spikes.
Dr. Putin Chainz: What an idea! Let’s have them dig the holes exactly in the pattern that a, oh, I don’t know, a size 150,000 Quintuple E golf shoe would make if that ten mile high giant stepped on the earth. We’ll show it to the fools from a satellite, so they can see that they’re involved in both energy independence and great, whimsical art.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Sir, I am astonished! Stunned! That is as good as lie as your first one!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah shuld say so! Iffin we kin give the fools a coupla good reasons, ‘n Ah love tellin’ ’em we’re gonna enslave ’em to achieve “enurgy independence”. Now, we kin tell ’em, “It’s fer art.”, too.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Are any of the fools dumb enough to believe that? I mean, we’re taking them from their homes, making them live in tents, no plumbing facilities, hardly any food, and they have to spend the rest of their lives digging “reverse pyramids” down to the oil, carrying it up by the mouthful and spit it in a pit five miles away. Will they think they’re doing something important enough to give up their houses, families, and everything they owned.
Dr. Hector Protector: It’s only fair that they should suffer. They have to atone for all the good times they’ve had. They’ll understand that.
Dr. Vermon Floater: They’ll adjust. Once they’re actually in the work camps, that’s all they’ll think about. And, we’ll keep ’em busy enough that they won’t have time to think too much!
Dr. Putin Chainz: Oh, it will be wonderful! My country’s leaders could not come up with such a great lie. No one in history has come up with such a great lie! No one!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: It is a great lie. Do we have flunkies smart enough to make it work?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Shore do! We got flunkies comin’ out ahr ears. They’ll love gettin’ ‘volved wiffin a project lak this. All that shovelling. By the way, what we gonna make ’em ‘scavate all them holes wif? We reely gonna make ’em use buckets?
Dr. Rhonda Honda: It might be better to let them excavate the first couple of Reverse Pyramids with mechanical equipment. Make it easier to get started, and get one or two done.
Dr. Hector Protector: Then, we can get them digging by hand. We could use one of those wonderful “Crustal Deflection Lies” to make ’em think that if they used machinery, the Magma Layer would erupt right through the deepest part of the Reverse Pyramid, and fill it with lava. Burn them alive. Safest way for them is to dig it by hand. That’s because we care so much about them.
Dr. Vermon Floater: We’ll tell ’em doing it by hand saves them a lot of work, too. “If a machinery-induced magmatic intrusion happens, you’d have to chisel out all that solid rock as soon as it cooled. Why, it would take the rest of their lives, a hundred thousand field beasts, just to chisel out a pyramid-sized hole out of solid rock!
Dr. Putin Chainz: I just had another idea for a Pyramid Lie!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Ohhhh! Tell us! Tell us!
Dr. Putin Chainz: Let’s tell the fools that under every Egyptian pyramid, there’s another pyramid, that points straight down! So, once they dig their Reverse Pyramid, they have to build an upside-down pyramid in the hole. Then, they have to put another pyramid, pointing up, on top of it! We can keep twice as many of the accursed fools busy on the very same jobsite for a hundred years! Two hundred years!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: That makes sense. I think that you may be right. In fact, I am sure that you are right! There must be an upside-down pyramid under every right-side-up pyramid in Egypt. It makes perfect sense! And, no one will be able to check because we can’t allow destructive digging within fifty miles of a registered historic site.
Dr. Hector Protector: We’ll tell the Geography Magazines to get some stories out. “New understanding of ancient Egypt” kind of crap. The fools’ll eat it up! Stuff their heads full of more rot than ever! Dr. Donny Doccudrama could make a movie. Show the fools digging the huge hole. Filling it up with hand-cut rock to make a downward-pointing pyramid. Complete with burial chambers! Then, show the early field beasts building a pyramid on top of it.
Dr. Vermon Floater: We’ll tell the fools, “If we’re going to do it, we’re going to do it right. We don’t want future generations saying that we were too lazy to do things properly. That would have a bad effect on our great-great-great-great-great grandchildren’s view of us, and might hurt their self esteem, finding out they were descended from a lazy bunch of people who just wanted to take short cuts.”
Dr. Putin Chainz: Some of them will believe that.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Heck, they’ll mos’ all beeleeve it. They’s been taught its reel intelleckshual to worry more ’bout the future than livin’ happy lives, even tho they don’t hardly worry none at all ’bout what the urlier generashuns did ter them.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE ARE VERY PLEASED WITH YOUR LIES. IN PREPARATION FOR THE PYRAMIDS, THE LEADER WANTS SOME LIES ABOUT RIGHTS. YOU ARE TO COME UP WITH A SERIES OF LIES TO CONVINCE THE FIELD BEASTS THAT THEY HAVE NO RIGHTS TO WATER, AIR, LIGHT, MOBILITY, OR FOOD. THESE THINGS SHOULD ONLY BE SUPPLIED WITH OUR APPROVAL.
Dr. Vermon Floater: That’s just what I’ve been saying for years! The fools do have one right, and that’s to have and do what The Leader gives them a right to have and do. That’s the only right they have!
Dr. Putin Chainz: Let’s start with light. They use light all the time. They use sunlight and electric light. Maybe they use other kinds of light, too. Let’s start with sunlight.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: The fools know that light casts shadows. Every shadow keeps an organism from the light that it needs. Therefore, the fools can only cast shadows in approved areas. Like tennis courts, parking lots, places where there are few creatures that could be damaged by being starved of light.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I like that “starved of light”. We cannot even allow a single microbe to be “starved of light” because that might be the very microbe that would cure cancer. A lot of the fools will believe that.
Dr. Putin Chainz: It is not natural for them to have light any place or time that the sun or moon is not shining. Artificial light is just that, “artificial”. We want them to be grounded in reality. We want them to live in reality. If the sun is not shining, they should be in the dark. That, after all, is natural reality.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘N keepin’ ’em ahl tired out diggin’ reverse pyramids’ll keep ’em sleepin’ as soundly as the babies we don’ wan’ ’em havin’. They won’ wan’ ter stay up late at nite.
Dr. Hector Protector: We may need to keep them working at night. If they don’t dig enough during the day, we may have to keep them going after dark.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Well, they could work in the dark. It would be slow and dangerous, but, so what? We should leave those kind of questions up to The Leader. On His Birthday, for instance, He may want them to celebrate. Give them something to look forward to. Or, backwards on. Maybe, He’ll want them to have a couple of small lights on special occasions like that.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Maybe, they could each have a tiny candle, molded in his image.
Dr. Vermon Floater: These are good lies about light. What about air?
Dr. Putin Chainz: Let’s have some smart flunkies design some “breathing straps”.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: What are “breathing straps”?
Dr. Putin Chainz: Well, if they have no rights to air, without permission. We don’t want them breathing more or less than we want them breathing. Why, big field beasts would breathe in more air than others.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: We can’t have that! It wouldn’t be fair!
Dr. Putin Chainz: Exactly! So, we put straps around their chests. If we think they need less air, we tighten the straps. If we think they need more air, we loosen the “breathing straps”.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s brillyant! We kin keep ’em wheezin’ ‘n wheezin’ fer their whole lives!
Dr. Hector Protector: And, if there get to be too many of them, why, we just tighten up! Wonderful! We could have little motors to tighten and loosen the “breathing straps” from a distance. That way, no one would have to actually touch them.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: The overseers would appreciate that! Can you imagine actually touching one of them? Ugh!
Dr. Putin Chainz: That’s exactly right! And, it keeps them from breathing too much. Every time they breathe, they emit carbon dioxide. “Breathing straps” are the only way to keep them from burning up the earth by putting out so much greenhouse gas that the world burns up!
Dr. Hector Protector: So, it’s really for their own good. They can’t argue with that!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: ‘N iffin one of ’em does argue, why tha’s a strap we’s gots ter tighten!
Dr. Vermon Floater: So, we’ve taken care of light and air. What about water?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Giv’em each a canteen er two. They kin fill ’em up at Central Locashuns. Iffin it’s reel hot, they kin make a coupla trips. Iffin it rains, we shuts down the Central Locashuns ‘n make ’em drink outen mud puddles.
Dr. Hector Protector: And, we can decide when it’s raining. We don’t have to actually give them any water at all! Weather-flunkies’ll tell ’em it’s been raining, that it’s raining right now, and it’s going to go on raining tomorrow so all the Central Locations will be closed. Let them find their own water.
Dr. Vermon Floater: But, what if it’s really not raining? We have big projects for the fools. We want them digging giant holes and doing all kinds of public works. They can’t work if they’re dying of thirst!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Oh, I don’t know. I just know that they’re always complaining about something. Too much water. Too little water. I like Dick’s idea. Just give them two canteens, and let them pick up their water from a Central Location.
Dr. Putin Chainz: You are all missing the point. THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE wants us to focus on their “Rights” to air, water, food. Here we are, talking about distribution systems. We’re putting the cart before the horse. First, we have to make sure they don’t think they have a right to air, water, and food. If some of them do, we have to come up with a way to validate and check that right. Permits must be continually re-issued for breathing, drinking, and eating.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Well, of course no field beast has any rights to air, water, or food that we don’t give them.
Dr. Hector Protector: Obviously, the fools have no rights to anything. Well, they do have the right to do what we tell them. That’s the only right that any of them could possibly have.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Why would they want more than that? Why would they even think they should have more than that.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Again, I think you may be missing the point. If we can convince them that it’s for their own good that they have no rights, they are less likely to make trouble. If they’re tractable, we don’t have to spend so much for security. They will turn each other in. What THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE wants is for us to come up with lies to tell them so that they accept being totally enslaved.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah figger we shuld tell ’em, “Y’all jes’ aren’ brite eunf to figger out whatchu shud do ’bout much of an’thin’, ‘n y’all need us as a guide so’s y’all don’ make any danj’rus mistakes ‘n hurt yourse’fs.”
Dr. Hector Protector: That’s a great beginning! We blame all their problems on their inadequacies. “We wouldn’t need to be telling you how to do everything if you were a little bit smarter. But, you’re not, and that’s why we’re here. You should be grateful that people like us care enough about you to want to take care of you. All we ask in return is that you do what you’re told.”
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I like that. I like it because it’s true. They are helpless, useless, incompetent slobs. They make me sick to look at them. Without us, what would they do?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I like that idea, too. I really do. They have to be deeply and truly convinced that they are utterly incompetent.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: W’al, wiffout us, they’d be able to keep their money, ‘n haf jobs ‘n houses ‘n cars, ‘n they’d prob’ly be purty happy ’bout thangs in gen’ral. But, we shore don’ wan’ ter be tellin’ them that!
Dr. Vermon Floater: We’re all agreed, then. Field beasts have no rights because they’re unable to exercise them intelligently. Since we know so much more, they should do what we say in every area of their lives. We know best, and they know nothing at all. It’s for their own good!
Dr. Putin Chainz: Well, that sounds about right. But, we should have a footnote, or THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE will think we’ve gone soft. We’ll say, “Field beasts have no rights to think, say, or do anything on their own because they are utterly lacking in every way.” We’ll stick in the footnotes that “Some of the field beasts are a little bit smarter. We have to control them, too, or the others might get confused, therefore, continual and increasing control is necessary for universal well-being.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah jus’ luv what y’all jus’ said ’bout “universal well-bein’!” It sounds so good it culd be an underlyin’ theme of ever’thin’ we do. “We have no choice but ter force you outen yer homes, make you live in tents, and spend yer lives diggin’ big holes. It’s fer “universal well-bein.”
Dr. Vermon Floater: I like it, too! “Universal well-being” will justify everything we want to do to them. It’s a political masterpiece. There’s not one fool out there who can argue with “The need for Universal Well-being.”
Dr. Hector Protector: It is brilliant. Putin, it’s your best lie, yet! Actually, it’s beyond a lie. It’s a whole new way of justifying every single lie we’ll ever tell!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: It is the Mother of all Lies! “Universal well-being” could be the foundation for a whole new religion! It is what all the different deities in my country pretend to do, all rolled up into one majestic super-lie!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE should tell all the other lie committees! We can use “Universal Well-being” in food and water lies, medical lies, educational lies, energy and environmental lies, everything! There’s not a lie anywhere in the world that can’t be justified by the need for “universal well-being”.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE ARE VERY PLEASED WITH THIS NEW FOUNDATION FOR WHOLE NEW GENERATIONS OF LIES. “UNIVERSAL WELL-BEING” WILL BECOME THE BASE FOR LIES IN EVERY AREA. PLEASE EXPLORE SOME OF THE OBJECTIONS THE SMARTER FIELD BEASTS MAY HAVE.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Putin, y’all have done reely well! An acshual compliment direc’ frum THE EXEC’TIVE COMMITTEE!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I’m very impressed!
Dr. Hector Protector: We can all be very proud. Putin, “Universal Well-being” will be bigger than Global Freezing! Bigger than Global Warming! Bigger than Climate Change! It gives us an excuse to do anything we want to them!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: But, the smarter field beasts will have problems, and THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE has said we are to anticipate them. Personally, I can’t see how any field beast could object to “Universal Well-being”.
Dr. Vermon Floater: A few of them object to everything we do. I simply can’t think of a real problem that anyone could have with “Universal Well-being”. Who wouldn’t want “Universal Well-being”?
Dr. Putin Chainz: That may be all the defense we need. We just tell the fools, “A person would be crazy to object to “Universal Well-being”. What more could anyone ask than to be a part of “Universal Well-being”?
Dr. Rhonda Honda: We’ll start with having the newsspewers make fun of anyone who complains about how “Universal Well-being” has made their taxes go up. Call people who do that “selfish”. Tell people that they’re “traitors to the very essence of ‘Universal Well-being’.”
Dr. Hector Protector: That’s right! We developed similar reactons for all our earlier frauds. When people objected to any of them, we never talked about the truth. We ignored every logical or factual arguments, and just screeched “You’re in the pay of Big Oil”, or “Big Food”, or “Big Pharma”, or whoever else we were trying to loot.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Do the fools still believe us when we do that? You’d think they’d know, by now, that everything we do is designed to destroy them. Are they really dumb enough to believe that name-calling is enough to wipe out facts and logic?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: They warn’t born that dum. We’s jus’ dumbed ’em down so much, teachin’ ’em a lot of nuttin’ at all in the schools, that they jus’ don’ know how ter get much of nothin’ done on their own. We’s made ’em so helpless they gots ter come ter us fer ever’thin’ they be wantin’.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Dick, that may mean there’s a serious problem. If they actually are smart, they could learn enough about what we’re doing to fight against us. Or, they could fight against our clients. We need them to be paralyzed.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: That’s why we’re gonna keep ’em busy digging all those “reverse pyramids”. It’s the best way we can acheive “Universal Well-being.”
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I see. Once we have them out of their homes, neighborhoods, and states, they won’t have anything to do but to dig, dig, dig!
Dr. Hector Protector: And, we’ll be able to watch them night and day. No way for them to escape us!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s why Ah figgered them “breathin’ straps” wuld help. Iffin we had sum smart flunkies put l’il radio-control’d motors on their “breathin’ straps”, we culd choke ’em off as soon’s they started makin’ trubble.
Dr. Putin Chainz: We could consider one possible change. “Universal Well-being” may sound a little overwhelming to the fools. Some of them look up and see the stars and planets, and wonder where our goal of well-being will ever end. Maybe, we should consider “Planetary well-being.”
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I see what you mean, Putin, but the huge, wonderfully useless space agencies need to at least include the nearby planets that their experts have endless plans to colonize. A happy medium may be to set our goal as “Solar Systemic Well-being.”
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah thank tha’s wonnerful. Hard fer a fiel’ beast ter want ter keep frum impruvin’ the nearby planets. It’d be se’fish of ’em to not wan’ ter make ’em better.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE NEED TO KEEP THIS NEXT TOPIC CONFIDENTIAL. NO ONE IS TO SPEAK OF THIS SUBJECT TO ANYONE. ALL OF US ARE IN DANGER OF IMMEDIATE UNEMPLOYMENT. THE TROTSKYITES HAVE EVISCERATED THE STALINISTS WING. WE NEED LIES TO APPEASE BOTH THE TROTSKYITES AND THE STALINISTS!
Dr. Vermon Floater: This is serious. During our careers, the Stalinists have been in charge of the Party.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Yes, and they’ve done a wonderful job. They make endless money from their magnificent Empire of Public Education. Every single teacher, administrator, janitor, cafeteria worker, bus driver and contractor pays union dues that flow straight to them. Why, they own practically every judge and legislator and media outlet.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Is that where the Democrats have been getting their money? I never knew.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: W’al, when Ah wuz on a Skull Bord, the unyun rep tol’ the s’p’int’dent who he had ter hire ‘n how much he had ter pay ’em. Ah figgered they still ran thangs.
Dr. Hector Protector: Well, the people in public education were selfish. They were turning into middle-class pigs, frankly. They only thought about themselves, their benefits, and their pensions. It’s time the Trotskyites got their fair share.
Dr. Vermon Floater: That’s right! All the Stalinists in Public Education ever think about is themselves. What about all those people graduating from multiversities with advanced degrees? They can’t find jobs! We need a new empire so we can hire all of them, regardless of their skills and abilities. We need lots more funding!
Dr. Putin Chainz: And, the Trotskyites have it all figured out! When they take over energy, they can milk the field beasts out of trillions to provide jobs for millions! We ought to get some smart flunkies to total up the number of jobs we can provide these useless drones in energy.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Energy is the coming thing! Every field beast needs energy, but they aren’t paying nearly enough for it! We need more regulations! More inspectors! More laws!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Well, the Stalinists have had their turn. But, if we start to drive up the cost of energy, and focus on all the environmental problems we can invent, the field beasts won’t be able to pay their property taxes. We’ll have all public educators mad at us, especially the ones from rural districts.
Dr. Hector Protector: Who cares? By keeping schools open in the country, we give people a place to get away from the cities and suburbs. If they move to the country, we can’t tax them, and charge them for water and sewers.
Dr. Vermon Floater: I hate to see people living in the country! Some country towns don’t even have policemen! They aren’t paying their fair share of taxes, and that’s all there is to it. Let’s raise the price of energy, and make them close all those rural schools.
Dr. Putin Chainz: So, what are we saying? Are we going abandon the Stalinists and their Public Education Empire and side with Trotskyites? Are we going to focus only on all the environmental and energy twaddle we can?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I don’t care what we’re saying! I’ve got the first lie! What we can tell the fools is that the world is going to be destroyed by temperature increases. We’ll have the usual science-drones tell them that. Then, we close down all the coal-burning generators. Then, we mothball all the nuclear reactors. Then, we build millions of windmills.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah figger Ah knows whar y’all are goin’. After we got all them windmills, we jack up the price of their electricity mebbe twenny times, ‘n get ’em all used ter brown-outs ‘n blackouts ‘n pow’r surges that blow out ever’thin’ they owns. Then, when we got the electricical prices reel high, mebbe coupla dollars fer each keelowatt hour, we turns on the nuclear ‘actors, ‘n start makin’ pow’r fer mebbe two, three cents a keelowatt hour.
Dr. Heinrik Plow: And, our clients, the Trotskyites, get to keep all the money. “For research”!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: It’s the best, biggest lie that’s ever been told! What a scam! Why, we’ll drive those field beasts so far into poverty that they won’t be able to afford an aspirin to cure the huge headaches we’re going to give ’em!
Dr. Hector Protector: Just think of the money that’s there to be made. If two hundred million households have to pay an extra thousand a year for electricity, how much is that? Trillions?
Dr. Vermon Floater: Oh, Hector, how should any of us know? We’d have to find some smart flunky to figure out something like that. But, it’s a lot. And, we’ll make ’em pay a lot more’n an extra thousand a year!
Dr. Putin Chainz: I’d like them to pay an extra five thousand a year. Ten! There’s no way we can get as much out of them as we should. Dirty, stupid people. Not people. Animals. Trash. Oh, I just hate them!
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: What if the fools find out? Won’t they complain?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: They allus com’lains. Tha’s all they’s good fer. They com’lain ever’ day ’bout mos’ every’thin’ we do to em. Point is, they cain’t do nuffin’ ’bout it. Jes com’lain, com’lain, com’lain, all day long.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: I wish we could get recordings of them. First of all, the complainers should all be re-educated so that they are thankful for everything we do for them. Or, to them. And, it would make beautiful music, all that endless complaining about everything.
Dr. Hector Protector: I’d like to hear some nice recordings. You know, like we have in some of the readjustment chambers. The fools certainly do make interesting sounds when they have to be readjusted.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Enough of this chit-chat. THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE has given us the most complicated assignment of our careers. We have to understand that the Stalinists in rural school systems are still very powerful. Each of those wretched states with two senators and no big cities gets too many votes, and that has to be fixed.
Dr. Putin Chainz: I do not understand?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Nor do I.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: W’al, it used ter be that ever’ state legislature had senyturs frum ever’ distric’, jes’ lak the U.S. Senate got two senyturs frum eve’y state, even the empty wuns. The rural areas had as much power in state senates as the cities did. They used ter hold back spendin’. Now, we got ter get rid of U.S. Senyturs frum places lak Wayomin. Muntina. Places whar they ain’ no pipple, but them senytors got just as much votes as reel senyturs, lak from New Yurk.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: That’s not right! Those stupid hicks shouldn’t be allowed that many votes.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: A NEW PROBLEM HAS ARISEN. RECENT POLLS INDICATE THAT ONLY A THIRD OF THE FIELD BEASTS, AND THE DUMBEST THIRD, AT THAT, BELIEVES GLOBAL WARMING IS A PROBLEM! SMART FLUNKIES HAVE DISCOVERED THAT INTERNET POSTINGS ARE EXPOSING GLOBAL WARMING LIES JUST AS FAST AS WE TELL THEM! WE NEED LIES TO JUSTIFY CLOSING DOWN THE INTERNET!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah tol’ y’all so! Ah tol’ y’all that innernet wuz goin’ ter cause prollems.
Dr. Putin Chainz: And here we are, we haven’t even gotten the lies ready for the reverse pyramids, we haven’t gotten them living in tents, we haven’t done anything big abaout “Universal Well-being”, and we have to waste our time on a lot of internet field beasts.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: In my country, it is not a problem, because if a person has a computer, he is immediately shot.
Dr. Hector Protector: That’s the kind of law and order we need!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Uppity. Those accursed field beasts are just uppity, and I’m sick of it!
Dr. Vermon Floater: Let’s get some smart flunkies, and just virus ’em.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Virus’ em? Whachu mean, Vermon?
Dr. Vermon Floater: Smart flunkies can invent viruses, and we’ll destroy their computers.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Solar flares. They’d be cheaper and quicker.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Really, Teefertu! That’s the silliest thing I ever heard! How are we going to make solar flares? The sun is over a million miles away. It’s already flaring all the time, and the field beasts are still working their computers!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Now, Rhonda, give Teefertu a chance. Teefertu?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Thank you, Dr. Dudewell. A long time ago, there was a big solar flare. It actually blew out all the telegraph wires in the world. The current was so powerful that electric currents lit the telegraph paper on fire. We just need the sun to make some big solar flares.
Dr. Vermon Floater: I just did some googling. It was called the “Carrington Effect”. A giant solar flare blew out everything! We could use one of those today! Shut down the internet immediately!
Dr. Hector Protector: Wouldn’t it shut down everything else, too? Anything electric? Make planes crash?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Yes!
Dr. Vermon Floater: Everything would stop! We could fix everybody! This is a great opportunity for “Universal Well-being”. We’ll tell the fools that they have to do what we say, or the sun will explode and burn them to ashes. Then, we make it explode, and burn ’em to ashes! How do we make a big solar flare?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Well, NASA is one of our biggest clients. What does NASA do? All those smart flunkies sitting around, watching reruns of the moonwalk, year after year, decade after decade. Well, let’s get them to fire rockets with hydrogen bombs into the sun and see if we can blow part of it up!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: That might make a really big solar flare!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: What iffin it kilt us, too?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I never thought of that! Why, an airplane could fall right on top of us! The building could burst into flames and the elevators wouldn’t work!
Dr. Vermon Floater: Guys, guys, let’s not panic. Let’s do it at night, when we’ll be safe.
Dr. Putin Chainz: You know what I like about it? I’ll tell you, I’m sick and tired of all these imaginary problems. First we tell the fools that the world is freezing. Then, we tell ’em it’s going to burn to a crisp. Then, we tell ’em that the temperatures are going to go up and down. This way, we can tell them everything with a copper wire is going to stop working, and it will! We can make it happen!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: We could make it happen! No more small-time lies! No more pretend-disasters! We’d actually be telling the truth!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Frum then on, the fools’d listun ter us. Iffin they was any of ’em lef’.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Are we agreed? Should we have THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE order NASA to fire a couple of thousand H-bombs into the sun?
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Maybe, we should just start with a couple of hundred. We don’t want to blow ourselves up, too.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Maybe, we should just start with one or two. At night. See what happens.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: But, if we do it at night, the sun is off. How can we know what good the bombs will do?
(thirty seconds of silence follow)
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Rhonda, Ah don’ know iffin y’all culd say that the sun wuz ‘xactly “off” durin’ the nite. It’s on mos’ all der time. Leastways, Ah think it is.
Dr. Vermon Floater: The sun doesn’t go off at night? Dick, are you sure?
Dr. Putin Chainz: I think Dick is right. I’ve heard that the earth spins around, and sometimes, we are on the dark side. At sunset, it just looks like the sun went out. That’s when we want the H-bombs to hit the sun, so that when it blows up, the other side will get it.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I still have relatives on that side.
Dr. Hector Protector: Teefertu, we all have to make sacrifices.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Oh, I’m not complaining. It’s just that I have some older wives I’d like to send over for a visit before the launch, that’s all.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah gots mos’ a dozen ex-wives Ah’d like ter sen’ over! Tell you what, Teefertu, le’s rent ’em a plane, ‘n they kin all go together!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: That’s terrible! Private jets use so much energy they hurt the environment.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Yur raht, Rhonda! Cain’t have us hurtin’ the ‘viroment. Teefertu, we’ll haf ter send ’em commercial.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: Well, there is a bright side. We’ll only need to purchase one way tickets.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: CONGRATULATIONS! WE ALWAYS NEED PROBLEMS AND BOMBING THE SUN MIGHT MAKE SOME PROBLEMS SO BIG THAT THE FIELD BEASTS WILL DEMAND THAT WE DO SOMETHING. AND WE WILL! PLEASE DEVELOP LIES THAT WE WILL TELL THEM AFTER THE SUN-BOMBING.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE is pleased with our efforts! Oh, the wonder of it all!
Dr. Putin Chainz: It’s rare to get such a compliment, and we can all be proud of our fine work.
Dr. Hector Protector: Well, we need lies. I’d like to suggest one. We’ll have the newsspewers tell the fools:
“Recent solar activity may be caused by human beings not acting in accord with environmental realities. In the future, no one will be allowed to walk, drive, or fly without a ‘Certificate of Necessity’ that is only available from your local ‘Solar Protection Council’.”
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Hector, I’m ever so impressed! Two great lies in one sentence! Well, I guess the “Solar Protection Council” isn’t a lie, but it is a new bureaucracy that’s based on a lie, so it’s even better!”
Dr. Vermon Floater: I love that “Solar Protection Council”. It gives us an excuse to extend the environmental movement by several million miles. Or, by however far it is from the earth to the sun.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah doubts iffin anyone knows ‘sactly how fer it is frum here to the sun, but it’s gots ter be a mitey long way.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I just looked it up on google. It is ninety three million miles away.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: It’s jes’ amazin’ that anyone’d know sumthin’ lak that. Wonner how they measured that? Mebbe, a reel long tape measure ur sum’thin’.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: The sun is very hot. I don’t know if anyone could have held the tape on it. Maybe, they just flew some field beast into the sun, and he pulled a tape behind his airplane. Or, rocket. Or, however they do that.
Dr. Vermon Floater: That must have been how. Some times, field beasts can be useful.
Dr. Hector Protector: I don’t know about that, Vermon. It’s not like it makes a big difference to anyone, how far away the sun is.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Well, I hope NASA has some smart flunkies to figure out how we’re going to get the H-Bombs to the sun.
Dr. Teefertu Nunferu: I think we have something better than we thought. NASA has the rockets, but the bombs are owned by the Army. Or, the Navy. Someone owns them, so we get to tell Interdepartmental Lies. That means bonuses!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: It does! It really does! We’ll have lobbyists and newsspewers from at least two departments involved in this.
Dr. Vermon Floater: It’s going to be a lot more than that! What government agency wouldn’t like to be a vital part of a huge, earth-destroying project?
Dr. Putin Chainz: They’ll all have to be in it! Why, our individual bonuses could run into the hundreds of millions!
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ain’chu fergettin’ sum’thin’? What iffin that thar H-Bomb triggers sum kin’ of a chain reacton, ‘n the whole sun blows ter smithereens? What about that?
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Dick, we don’t need to take any precautions with a government project. And, we certainly don’t need to worry about a government program going wrong. No one can sue their own government. That wouldn’t be right.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Tha’s not wha’ Ah’m wurry’n ’bout, Rhonda. Ah’m wurried that the whol’ bloomin’ sun maht blow up n’ we’d all freeze ter def.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Dick, do you really think that would happen?
Dr. Dick Dudewell: W’al, Ah’m so used ter newsspewers sayin’ that sprayin’ one can uv deoderant’d triple the size of the ozone hole iffin it were sprayed jes’ at the moment of a “tippin’ point” that, mebbe, sump’thin’ lak that’d happen iffin we H-Bombed the sun.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Dick, at least I see your point. If we destroy the entire earth, we’d lose our jobs.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Ah figger we maht be plum’ blown away, Putin. This h’ar idee could acshually kill us all!
Dr. Hector Protector: Let’s ask some smart flunkies. They know all about this kind of thing.
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Don’t a lot of NASA rockets blow up? Maybe, they wouldn’t know this kind of thing.
NOTE FROM THE EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE: WE VERY MUCH APPRECIATE YOUR CONSIDERATION OF A REAL DISASTER THAT WOULD DISTROY THE EARTH. ALL OF OUR PROBLEMS ARE IMAGINARY, AND H-BOMBING THE SUN MIGHT CAUSE A REAL PROBLEM. WHILE OUR SMART FLUNKIES INVESTIGATE WAYS TO DISRUPT SOLAR ACTIVITIES WITHOUT DOING ANY REAL DAMAGE, PLEASE CONTINUE.
Dr. Vermon Floater: Let’s assume that twenty or thirty H-Bombs will be all right. After the erupting solar flares, we’ll be able to crack down on everything the field beasts can do.
Dr. Hector Protector: We certainly can’t let them use cell phones. Dialing the wrong number might set the flares off.
Dr. Putin Chainz: Turning on a light switch would do the same thing.
Dr. Dick Dudewell: Turnin’ on a computer’d prolly blow sump’thin’ up, too. Why, this maht be the ‘scuse we need to shut down the innernet!
Dr. Rhonda Honda: Dick, that’s the best lie, ever! I love it! We can have the newsspewers tell them “Unanuthorized internet usage caused the solar flare! Anyone using the internet may be responsible for destroying the earth!”
Dr. Vermon Floater: Dick, I think you’ve come up with a lie that will finally get rid of those pesky field beasts sitting around in their pajamas poking holes in everything we do!